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Cash strapped Americans forgo July 4 fireworks for televised air strike

As their economy falters, cash-strapped Americans have opted to stay at home on today's Independence Day holiday, forgoing traditional fireworks for cheaper pyrotechnic displays. According to fire departments, most Americans have celebrated the day by blowing up houses in foreclosure, or watching a routine bombing of Fallujah on pay-per-view television.

Judges vow to stand by Motata, will drive drunk and swear at witnesses
As investigators begin their inquest into the alleged drunk-driving case of Judge Nkola Motata, his colleagues have vowed to show solidarity by getting extremely drunk, crashing their Jaguars through suburban walls, and then swearing at and racially abusing any witnesses who happen to try to help them out of their wrecked cars.

Mandela taken off US terror list "for now"
Nelson Mandela has been removed from the United States' list of suspected or known terrorists, but US authorities say they could reverse their decision at any time. A spokesman for the State Department said that Mandela, 89, would still be monitored in case he "consorted with suspected terrorists, or played dominos with them, or napped on their porch".

Government says crime stats are wake-up call, presses snooze button - The South African government says that its latest crime statistics are disturbing, and that it fully intends to do something about crime, at some point in the future, possibly closer to 2010. According to a spokesman, the Minister of Safety and Security was "deeply shocked" by the latest figures, and would "need time to get over the shock" before he acted.

Kurt Darren 46664 shame stuns world - The performance of South African pop singer Kurt Darren in Saturday's 46664 concert in Hyde Park, and his subsequent shaming by reggae legend Eddie Grant, has left millions of South Africans stunned and traumatized. Human rights experts said it would take time to "figure out which was worse: the performance, or the shaming that followed it".