POLOKWANE. President Jacob Zuma and Minister of Uncontested Elections, Blade Nzimande, have called for a Free Will Tribunal to stop potentially catastrophic terrorist acts such as thinking without written permission from the ANC, and have warned South Africans not to try thinking at home but to leave it to trained professionals.
According to ANC spokesman Masspurge Xenge, the idea for the Free Will Tribunal (FWT) came to Nzimande during an evening of nostalgia and bonhomie spent with other unelected Members of Parliament watching old home movies of Stalin shooting his family pets.
“It was just after Comrade Commissar Mrs Nzimande brought in a tray of cupcakes shaped like little Kremlins,” recalled Xenge.
“Comrade Commissar Minister Blade said, ‘Thanks, Comrade-babe, you read my mind.’
“There was a long silence, punctuated only by the sound of chewing, at the end of which Comrade Fikile Mbalula somewhat nervously asked if Comrade Commissar Mrs Nzimande could really read minds.
“From there the conversation flowed organically to mind-control and ultimately to the FWT.”
According to Xenge, Nzimande and President Zuma agreed that the number one threat to democracy in South Africa was critical thought.
“All the negativity in our country can be traced to one single source: the brain,” he said. “Remove the brain and you remove the negativity.
“In fact I think it was Kennedy who said it best: ‘Ask not’.”
He appealed to South Africans not to dabble in free or critical thinking, describing it as a “major health risk”.
“In our experience people who try to think for themselves without the necessary training can easily be injured,” said Xenge. “Sometimes they walk in front of a bus. Sometimes they get thrown into an unmarked limousine and beaten up by five men in black suits. You just never know.”
He added that if any member of the public felt that they had a tendency towards critical thought, they should apply in writing to the ANC for permission to engage in thinking.
“We want to help you,” said Xenge. “But before we can help you we need to know where you live.”
