FRANSCHHOEK. The ANC has locked Jacob Zuma back in his gimp dungeon and reinserted his gag ball after he told poverty-stricken voters in the Western Cape to vote out ruling parties who failed to deliver services and kept them poor. “Is he f***ing insane?” screamed one horrified National Executive Committee (NEC) member. “Next thing he’ll be tackling government corruption!”
Zuma’s remarks, described by the ANC leadership as a “total freaking fiasco”, were made to poor farm workers in Franschhoek on the weekend from on top of an armoured police vehicle, apparently to protect him from roving gangs of counterrevolutionary papsakke.
According to the Sunday Times, the President urged people living in shantytowns to use their votes to remove non-performing governments.
This morning a stunned National Executive Committee said that Zuma’s statements were even bigger threat to democracy than newspapers, photographic exhibitions of nude lesbians, and showing brief glimpses of Thabo Mbeki on national television.
“We are aware that Comrade President Msholozi was referring to the counterrevolutionary DA government in the Western Cape,” said NEC member Kickbax Mahlangu. “But with all due respect, sometimes he can be a total retard.”
Midas Mpundu, head of the Subcommittee for Ministerial Retirement Solutions that oversees the smooth transfer of taxpayers’ money to companies owned by politicians, agreed.
“Over the last 16 years we have worked incredibly hard at producing legions of voting fodder who automatically vote ANC regardless of how little they get in return,” he said.
“In a single moment of irresponsible madness Comrade President Msholozi has undone the work of countless cadres.”
He confirmed that Zuma had been led back to his gimp dungeon under Luthuli House and his gag ball reinserted.
However, according to long-time ANC voters, Zuma’s statements would have little impact on voting patterns.
“I know that when he said those disturbing things Msholozi was just fighting racists,” explained long-time voter Amnesia Mbete.
“We the people understand that it is madness to vote out the ANC. If there was no ANC, who would promise us a better future every five years? Who would hand out free yellow peak caps?”
Her words were echoed by fellow stalwart ANC supporter, Stuckrecord Mbalula.
“I will vote for the ANC until the day I die, whether of old age or because a striking hospital worker has left me to be eaten by rats on the pavement,” he said.
“And when they throw me in a pauper’s mass grave and cover me with a thin dusting of quicklime, I will rest easy knowing that my little vote kept Msholozi fat and happy.”
