CAPE TOWN. Outraged homosexuals and people who have passed grade three have hit out at King Goodwill Zwelithini following a speech in which he described gays as being rotten. One critic of the king suggested that Zwelithini was probably well placed to comment, saying that a grown man who dressed in leopard print skirts, feather hats, elaborate beaded necklaces and who surrounded himself with half naked warriors was probably more of a queen than a king anyway.
Zwelithini, who has married five different women, reportedly to remind himself that he prefers girls to boys, has also fathered upward of 27 children, a fact experts say must mean that he has had sex with a woman at least 27 times.
But they were quick to point out that, despite his virility and his predilection for looking at teenage girls in grass skirts, Zwelithini was still inclined to wear outfits that even Elizabeth Taylor would not be caught dead in.
“It doesn’t necessarily mean anything,” said sex expert Zinza Wonderland. “He’s probably just one of those artistic men who likes to dress up and hang out. You know, like Elton John or Italians.”
Asked how the King knew that gay people were rotten, Wonderland said it was usually quite easy to tell, provided that you knew what to look for.
“It’s a bit like buying a mango or a paw-paw,” he said. “You’ve got to finger the fruit.
“It mustn’t be too hard, but it mustn’t be soft either,” he said, before adding, “If you are in any doubt a firm poke is the way to go.”
Meanwhile royal courtier, Chelmsford Mabena, said that the King shouldn’t be blamed for his statements on the weekend.
“He was frustrated by not being allowed to condemn criminals to be eaten by hyenas,” said Mabena, who added that Zwelithini had realised being king of the Zulu nation was “not all that”.
“In Shaka’s day the King could do whatever he wanted and nobody said anything,” said Mabena.
“Now even the gays hit back. It’s like there are no benefits to being king anymore.”
He added that while the King’s comments were controversial, they were definitely grounded in reality. “If God had meant for men to like men he would have sent boys to queue for the reed dance.”
Mabena would neither confirm nor deny suggestions that Zwelithini was considering abdicating in order to take up a position as King of Uganda.
