Hayibo.com - Ageing actors force inclusion of stretch marks in new Harry Potter film

Ageing actors force inclusion of stretch marks in new Harry Potter film

LONDON. As it prepares to release Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince, Warner Brothers has conceded that a number of new plot elements had to be added to the upcoming film to cope with the rapid aging of its stars, including a subplot in which Harry Potter and Ron Weasley try to exorcise their beer guts, while Hermione Granger battles stretch marks.

Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince hits screens worldwide in the next few weeks and will be followed in 2010, 2011 and 2012 by Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, Harry Potter and the Cynical Comeback, and Harry Potter Drags J.K. Rowling Out Of Negative Equity After She's Gambled It All On Buy-To-Let.

However, at an advance screening of the latest installment of the series, studio Warner Brothers conceded that it was becoming increasingly difficult to make films about young people at wizard school as the stars were "starting to look like accountants".

"British people don't age well," explained spokesman Attila Katzenjammer. "Their lips disappear, their skin gets papery, and their eyes get beady."

He said that the studio had considered sweeping changes to the remaining films.

"We got writers to pitch for a new movie called Harry Potter and the Disappearing Lips, because Daniel Radcliffe's lips are completely gone and Emma Watson's are going fast."

He said writers had also been asked to prepare a treatment of Harry Potter and the Overwhelming Urge to Conform, in which Harry and Hermione get married and become wage-slaves trying to pay off an overpriced home.

However, he said, focus groups suggested that the changes were too drastic and so more subtle plot devices were inserted into the original Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince.

"There's one awesome scene where Harry and Ron are sitting around in their new digs, watching wrestling on TV and remembering the old days before they were really boring-looking," explained Katzenjammer.

"And then Ron's like, 'Harry, you're getting fat,' and Harry's like, 'No I'm not!' and then they do a liposuction spell but that only sucks the fat out of their butts, so they exorcise their beer guts with an ancient Thinness Curse.

"It's pretty radical, and the effects look awesome."

He said Hermione Granger's plot would involve "lots of whining, and loads of frowning", but that she would also be faced with a terrifying new enemy: stretch marks.

"Hermione gets attacked in the shower," said Katzenjammer. "It's like that scene from Psycho, except instead of Norman Bates it's stretch marks.

"They all come screaming out at her after she accidentally gets soap in the eye of a Hideousness Gargoyle, and she has to fight them off with her shampoo bottle.

"If you know where to freeze-frame you can totally see the edge of her butt. It's hot."