Hayibo.com - Deputy Police Minister targets constipation as top threat to SA

Deputy Police Minister targets constipation as top threat to SA

PRETORIA. Deputy Police Minister, Fikile Mbalula, has named gastric problems and irritable bowels as the top threats facing the country, and has urged police to shoot to kill anyone suspected of being constipated, or at least to hold them down and administer suppositories. "If suspects give you crap, bag it and send it to forensics," he said.

Mr Mbalula, whose tenure as ANCYL President is remembered as a golden age for comedy, was quoted by various newspapers on the weekend warning disgruntled Communist Party cadres not to try to disrupt an ANC birthday rally with their "constipation of anarchy".

"If anybody comes with ill-intentions of the constipation of anarchy he will be met by decisive force of our people first and foremost and the marshals who will take them out of this area," Mr Mbalula was quoted as saying.

"So if you are constipated and you are looking at relieving your constipation, stay where you are."

Initial reports suggested that Mr Mbalula had been attempting a metaphor, but this morning the Deputy Minister explained that in his mind constipation and anarchy were indistinguishable.

"This government is all about smooth delivery," he explained. "We in the ANC are the intestinal microbes and parasites who take energy and food and turn it into hot, stinky gas. The services we deliver are the poo. Things like education and the SABC. Poo."

But, he said, constipation was preventing the "shitty services from being delivered so that they could be flushed safely down the toilet of history."

"I told the gastro-anarchists to stay where they are, and I meant it," said Mbalula. "If officers encounter a suspect crouched in a bush, huffing and puffing or maybe reading a magazine to take his mind off the straining, they will yell, 'Stay where you are!'

"If the suspect moves he will be shot dead, or else be Tazered so that suppositories can be inserted with or without his consent."

He also warned police officers never to let constipated people turn their backs on them.

"Next thing they become unconstipated, maybe because they have eaten a prune with their oats or had some liquorice dipped in Brooklax, and you take a four-inch Lunch Bar in the face."