Hayibo.com - Brad Pitt to sue for custody of Angelina Jolie's breasts

Brad Pitt to sue for custody of Angelina Jolie's breasts

LOS ANGELES. As Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie confirm that they are separating, Pitt has vowed to fight "like mighty Achilles versus Tyler Durden" to keep custody of Jolie's twin breasts, both aged 34. Meanwhile Jolie says she will try to explain to each of her children why their daddy is gone, once she has remembered all their names.

This morning a spokesman for the couple asked the public to respect their privacy, explaining that after years of shamelessly demanding the public's attention, they had "changed their minds".

According to a statement prepared by the couple, their first priority remained their 47 children, who are currently tethered in a meadow in Pennsylvania and are being supervised by a Border collie named Jess.

Jolie, who is getting custody of the children, confirmed that she would be explaining the break-up to them as soon as they had tracked down five missing children, believed to have been loaded into a truck by child-rustlers on the weekend and sold to Madonna via brokers in Malawi.

She said that she would miss talking about herself to Pitt while he looked in the mirror, as well as being able to remind him during lulls in dinner conversation that she had an Oscar and he did not.

However, this morning it emerged that Pitt has enlisted a crack legal team to win him custody of Jolie's breasts.

The breasts, both 34, are identical twins although one is slightly smaller than the other.

"I love those guys more than life," said a determined Pitt. "I've built up an unbreakable bond with them. I've supported them when they needed it, I've made them feel loved during difficult times, and I've always looked up to them, no matter what position Angie has put me in."

He said that he would draw on his roles in Fight Club and Troy for the upcoming custody battle, although how literally he transposed the roles would "depend on how buff the court bailiff is" and whether or not the state of California allowed plaintiffs to throw bronze spears at lawyers, bind their corpses to chariot-axles and drive around the walls of Los Angeles until sunset.