Hayibo.com - ANC begs top party officials to stop being "total retards"

ANC begs top party officials to stop being "total retards"

PRETORIA. The ANC has circulated a top-secret memorandum to senior leadership begging them to stop being "total retards" as a rash of deeply stupid scandals is damaging the government's image. The memo is reportedly titled How To Not Do Stuff That Makes Us Look Like Everything The Broederbond Always Said We Were.

This morning senior party officials confirmed that the ANC has traditionally encouraged its leaders to commit one deeply stupid act per year to appeal to the Youth League vote, but, they said, those traditions were in danger of being "swept away by a tsunami of retardation".

According to party veteran Lightbulb Tshabalala, today's leaders have forgotten the difference between being sensibly injudicious and drool-in-your-bib lobotomised.

"For 16 years we have been perfecting the fine balance between mediocre governance and spectacular faux pas," explained Tshabalala.

"By all means, demand the vote for 14-year-olds the way Madiba did. Yes, invest tens of millions in an Aids play that will get seen by nine people. Of course, insist that vegetables cure Aids. And why not pay 400 percent too much for obsolete Swedish jets?

"But for God's sake make sure you've got at least one year of 'Better Life For All' schtick between each of those," pleaded Tshabalala.

He said that the ANC's current spate of scandals, from President Zuma's love child to allegations of drug trafficking against a Minister's wife and political assassinations in Mpumalanga, had forced the party to consider the possibility that its current leaders were "total retards".

With this in mind, he said, they had had no choice but to circulate the memo entitled How To Not Do Stuff That Makes Us Look Like Everything The Broederbond Always Said We Were.

He said that the memo had run to 874 pages as it had to cover every possible scenario, from not sticking your tongue in the wall socket to how to look and sound convincing when you declare Zimbabwe's elections free and fair.

"For example," said Tshabalala, "if you turn to page 35 you will discover that if you are a President whose sexual history has previously polarised the country and damaged your party, you really only have one mandate: keep the honourable member in your pants.

"Likewise if you are the wife of the State Security Minister and you have a penchant for entrepreneurship, perhaps take a deep breath and carefully weigh up whether you should set up an international drug-trafficking cartel or just do quilting and scrap-booking instead."