November 2008 | Vol 1 | Issue 47
Obama's White House bid in tatters as Kenya discovered in Africa
HOUSTON. Barack Obama's quest to become the first black President of the United States is in tatters after it was discovered that Kenya, where the senator's father was born, is a country in Africa and not, as previously believed, a small Baptist town in rural Illinois.
Young mothers screamed and covered their babies' ears, and at least three student volunteers vomited into their laps, when Senator Obama confirmed that Kenya was an east African country.
"I thought people knew that," said a visibly upset Obama as voters began filing out of the Bea Arthur Memorial Hall in Buckwheat, Texas. "I thought we were cool with the whole Kenya thing."
A further comment about the need for increased spending on education, especially in geography, was cut short when someone in the dispersing crowd threw a dead raccoon at Mr Obama.
It is common knowledge in the US that the senator's father was born in Kenya, however after this week's shock, many Democrat voters believe that some key facts have been distorted.
"I knew Barack was an African-American," said Jesse Rydell, 43, of White Plains. "But I never for one moment thought he might be an African-African-American."
She added that she felt "betrayed, gutted, and a little bit nauseous, the way most folks do when they've touched a piece of the misery that is Africa."
"I bet Barack isn't even his real name," said Tom McPhee, 32, until recently a die-hard Obama fan. "I bet he’s really called something like Simba or Cheetah or one of those clicky sounds they do down there."
Asked if he would be switching his vote to Hilary Clinton, McPhee said, "Hell yes."
"Obviously our hearts go out to the Africans," he explained, "but just because you've got flies around your nostrils, it doesn't mean you can come over here and try to become President, you know?"
The Clinton camp has not yet commented on the revelations, but earlier today Ms Clinton was seen giving her team extremely wooden and uncoordinated high-fives.
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SABC warned to be unbiased in adulation for ANC -
The ANC has ordered the national broadcaster to stop giving favourable coverage to rival parties and has warned it to be unbiased in its adulation of the ruling party. "A broadcaster is vulnerable to manipulation," said a spokesman this morning. "You can insert yes-men to subvert independence. We know because we've been doing it for ten years."
Boks to salute Mama Africa with Click Song -
The Springbok rugby team has confirmed that it will honour South African musical icon Miriam Makeba by performing her trademark 'click song' instead of the national anthem ahead of Saturday's test against England. According to a spokesman the thirteen players who had failed to master the clicks would snap their fingers at appropriate moments. 
