November 2008 | Vol 1 | Issue 47
Hillary edges ahead of rival as person Americans would least like to see naked
WASHINGTON DC. Embattled Democratic contender Hillary Clinton is one step closer to being named as the person Americans would be most traumatized by seeing in the nude. According to insiders, her uncomfortable body language and "creepily stringy" appearance have nudged her ahead of challenger Michael Moore.
Early polling last week suggested that filmmaker Moore was headed for a comfortable win, with his trademark stubbly jowls and open-toe sandals consistently appalling voters from all population groups.
However this week's two point lead for the former First Lady confirmed a growing suspicion that Americans are increasingly finding lean elderly flesh more nauseating than grotesquely distended blubber.
Speaking to the media at the publication of the poll results, pollster Gerald Pendergrass said at the heart of the shift was trust.
"On the one hand you've got a guy who's not pretty. He's big, he looks like he might be smelly, and yes, you'll blow chunks if you accidentally see him in the shower.
"But there are shared values there. You probably take the same diabetes medication. There's love.
"And then there's Hillary. You just know that if you bumped into her with her kit off it would be like seeing a human-sized lampshade made out of tanned skin. It's Hannibal Lecter stuff, seriously."
Pendergrass agreed that looking like a collection of dissected corpses spread over a lamp by a serial killer could be a hindrance to Clinton's presidential aspirations, but added that it wasn't necessarily a body blow to her campaign.
"John F. Kennedy had a neck that looked like a meatloaf tide up with string, and yet he pulled chicks," said Pendergrass. "There's no reason Hillary can't pull chicks either, if she puts her mind to it."
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