November 2008 | Vol 1 | Issue 47
Pressure on Obama to threaten Muslim country with extreme destruction
WASHINGTON. After Hillary Clinton's vow that the United States under her presidency would 'obliterate' Iran if it attacked an American ally, rival Barack Obama is under pressure to come up with his own vengeful, ultra-violent threat against a major middle-eastern country. "He's got to go nuclear, probably against Saudi Arabia," said analysts.
This morning an Obama advisor conceded that they might have underestimated the extent of Clinton's murderous megalomania.
"She'll really do it," said Obama aide Chutney Du Pont. "We weren't sure. We thought this might have been the result of some sort of domestic row with Bill.
"You know how it goes: he wants to go bowling on election night, she calls his loyalty into question, he asks her if she's harping on the Monica thing, she says 'Well don't I have a right to if I want?' and he's like, 'Give it a bone, woman!' and she's like, 'That's right! I'm just a little woman! A little woman with cruise-missiles, bitch!'
"And then she tells him she's going to obliterate Iran, before she makes him sleep on the couch.
"But she means it. It's scary."
According to analysts, Clinton's sabre-rattling statement has left the nuclear ball squarely in Obama's court, and Americans are now waiting to see if the Democrat contender can match her warmongering rhetoric.
"He's got to show he's as keen as Hillary on the mass destruction of Muslims, or risk losing the nomination," said political analyst Leonard Hutch. "It's really tough for him, because 'obliterate' is such a great word. The synonyms just don't sound as good."
According to Hutch, the only real option remaining open to Obama was to promise to "incinerate Saudi Arabia".
"You could opt for the old 'annihilate Malaysia' line, but the problem there is that 'annihilate' sounds a little effeminate; and Malaysia isn't really a threat, plus the people are really good looking, and they have orangutans, which are endangered."
He said if everything else failed, Obama could "always fall back on vowing to 'really hurt Yemen'."
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