October 2008 | Vol 1 | Issue 42
Government says crime stats are wake-up call, presses snooze button
PRETORIA. The South African government says that its latest crime statistics are disturbing, and that it fully intends to do something about crime, at some point in the future, possibly closer to 2010. According to a spokesman, the Minister of Safety and Security was "deeply shocked" by the latest figures, and would "need time to get over the shock" before he acted.
The government has drawn strong criticism over the figures, which it releases only once a year, with many parties and experts accusing the state of manipulating the statistics to suit its agendas.
However at this morning's press briefing, Safety and Security spokesperson Sizwe Corleone-Selebi defended the government's methods, saying that crime statistics were compiled in strict accordance with the latest cutting-edge astrological charts, factoring in data gleaned from the entrails of a sacrificial goose, combined with the prevailing body temperature of Jacob Zuma.
According to Corleone-Selebi, last year had seen a marked decrease in certain contact crimes, including dwarf-tossing, water-balloon throwing, and bear-bating.
Everything else was up or unchanged.
However he dismissed suggestions that South Africa's murder rate was out of control, saying that South Africans had become "morbidly obsessed with the negative aspects of homicide".
"We aren't denying that 18,000 South Africans are murdered every year," he said.
"But the thing that everyone is refusing to see is that while 18,000 citizens are murdered each year, over 47 million citizens aren't murdered each year.
"If you look at it holistically, the future is very bright indeed. Except, obviously, for the 18,000 people who are going to be murdered in 2009.
"But for the rest of us, it's really coming up roses."
He apologized to journalists for not being able to show them the raw data used to compile the statistics, saying that the relevant filing cabinet had been stolen by thieves dressed in police uniforms, carrying police firearms, and drawing police salaries.
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