October 2008 | Vol 1 | Issue 42
Cash strapped Americans forgo July 4 fireworks for televised air strike
NEW YORK. As their economy falters, cash-strapped Americans have opted to stay at home on today's Independence Day holiday, forgoing traditional fireworks for cheaper pyrotechnic displays. According to fire departments, most Americans have celebrated the day by blowing up houses in foreclosure, or watching a routine bombing of Fallujah on pay-per-view television.
Americans have been hit hard in recent months by the dramatic slowdown of the economy, and the Salvation Army has reported a spike in the number of families now unable to provide their toddlers with televisions in both their bedrooms and en suite bathrooms.
Likewise there have been reports that many communities in Mississippi are subsisting on restricted diets, with the average Mississippian now consuming only four chickens and five liters of vegetable per day.
However there was little sign of gloom today as Americans seemed determined to celebrate the iconic 4th of July holiday in the traditional way – by blowing something up – even if they could not afford expensive fireworks.
Federal officials remained tight-lipped on how many buy-to-let condos in foreclosure had been blown up today, but they urged supermarkets to rethink their policy of giving away free plastic explosives and anti-personnel mines with every new account opened in-store.
However national Fire Chief Crispy Graft said that there had been a marked decrease in the number of "catastrophic munitions-oriented domestic situations" by mid-afternoon, and attributed the lull to the government's decision to broadcast a routine carpet-bombing raid on Fallujah in Iraq as a fireworks substitute.
Republican Senator Butch Dyke praised the broadcast, saying that it had instilled a sense of holiday cheer into millions of financially stressed Americans.
"Nothing says 'God bless America' like a lot of bright flashes and some loud bangs," he said.
He had special praise for the cluster bombs used in the air strike, saying that they had been a "twinkly spectacle, their flashes floating like fairies in a midsummer's night sky".
He warned that the bombing, orchestrated as part of the US Military's 'Operation Withdrawal Without Dishonor And With As Much Oil As We Can Carry', would probably not be repeated if Senator Barack Obama entered the White House.
"He'll probably just drop puppies and Tinkies on Fallujah," said Dyke, adding that while he had great respect for puppies and Tinkies, and hailed both as American heroes, neither had proven particularly effective in the war on terror so far.
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