November 2008 | Vol 1 | Issue 47
Navy chiefs fear 'Perlemoen Harbour' attack at Mbeki review
CAPE TOWN. Navy strategists have questioned the wisdom of tomorrow's presidential review in Simonstown, at which Thabo Mbeki will view the South African fleet. Referring to the Japanese attack on Pearl Harbour, one admiral said he feared a 'Perlemeon Harbour' attack. "All were asking is: it really such a good idea to put our entire fleet in one small bay?" he asked.
According to Admiral Clydesdale Matabane he and several colleagues had begged the Presidency to reconsider the event.
"In this era of surprise attacks, we just don't see how it's a good plan to publicise that fact that your whole navy, and your head of state, are going to be looking the other way in a small bay with easy access to the South Atlantic", he told journalists this morning.
According to Admiral Matabane the primary threats were "American suicide-penguins trained by the CIA, Al-Qaeda jihad-dolphins, and Mozambican refugees trying to stow away and getting mashed up in the propeller and rudder".
However he added that the navy could not rule out an attack by Somali pirates.
"Consider our chagrin, nay, our national embarrassment, were all our warships stolen by twelve skinny men in pajama pants armed only with homemade swords and 18th century flintlock muskets."
He said that the Swiss had never recovered after losing the aircraft carrier Heidi in 2007 to a rowing boat full of pirates armed with inflatable crocodiles. Its crew of 2,100 men and 40 milkmaids was subsequently ransomed.
Meanwhile the Admiral's concerns have raised difficult questions in Parliament.
"If it is safe to pack the whole fleet into a small enclosed space, then we can assume that South Africa doesn't have any enemies who would take advantage of the review," said Democratic Alliance military attaché Brigadier Monty Tobruk-Slagkop.
"And if there aren't any enemies, why did we need to buy all that military hardware?"
However he was heckled by members of the public in the gallery who accused him of asking questions that weren't particularly funny or worthy of being satirized.
The review will begin tomorrow afternoon, weather and CIA suicide-penguins allowing.
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SABC warned to be unbiased in adulation for ANC -
The ANC has ordered the national broadcaster to stop giving favourable coverage to rival parties and has warned it to be unbiased in its adulation of the ruling party. "A broadcaster is vulnerable to manipulation," said a spokesman this morning. "You can insert yes-men to subvert independence. We know because we've been doing it for ten years."
Boks to salute Mama Africa with Click Song -
The Springbok rugby team has confirmed that it will honour South African musical icon Miriam Makeba by performing her trademark 'click song' instead of the national anthem ahead of Saturday's test against England. According to a spokesman the thirteen players who had failed to master the clicks would snap their fingers at appropriate moments. 
