November 2008 | Vol 1 | Issue 47
Terrified South Africans beg not to be shown Bok coach sex tape
CAPE TOWN. South Africans have begged the media not to show them the alleged sex tape featuring Springbok rugby coach Peter De Villiers, and human rights groups fear that millions of citizens could be "deeply scarred" by seeing footage of "a stocky middle-aged man with a handlebar moustache putting the moves on a woman in the back seat of her station-wagon".
De Villiers has fiercely denied the existence of the alleged tape, and says that the allegations are part of an ongoing campaign by racist elements in South African rugby to remove him from the coaching position.
This morning representatives of a broad range of human rights watch groups agreed that De Villiers' suspicions could not be discounted, but begged racist plotters to be more considerate towards their fellow South Africans.
"If this is a plot by white right-wingers to get rid of De Villiers it's the lowest they've sunk," said human rights lawyer Delilah Samson.
"Lacing people's clothes with poison is one thing, but subjecting innocent law-abiding citizens to horrific, nauseating and deeply disturbing erotica is beyond the pale."
Psychologist Gaylord Steinway-Upright agreed, begging the media not to show the tape if it turns out to be real.
"South Africans are simply not equipped psychologically and emotionally to see Mr De Villiers in the nude," he said.
"Ryk Neethling, yes. Minki van der Westhuizen, yes. Those are racist plots we can deal with. But not this."
However the regional director of Oxfam's 'Keep It In Your Pants' pilot project, Chatterley Tswete, said that she would welcome a televised glimpse of the tape as it might "go a very long way towards convincing our young people to wait before having sex, perhaps until they are 60 or 70, or as long as it takes to erase the horrific images from their minds".
A spokesman for the South African Rugby Union (SARU) said that it would release a statement shortly, but was still being sidetracked by a "minor disturbance" at its head office.
"One of the Board members threw an orange at another one while they were exercising on the tyre-swings this morning," said the spokesman.
"He retaliated by biting the one who had thrown the orange, and then the whole Saru executive became extremely agitated."
He said that after "some shrieking and throwing of fruit across the executive enclosure" security had arrived and been forced to dart most of the Board.
However he assured the public that the delay was temporary and that a statement would be issued as soon as the Board had "slept it off".
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SABC warned to be unbiased in adulation for ANC -
The ANC has ordered the national broadcaster to stop giving favourable coverage to rival parties and has warned it to be unbiased in its adulation of the ruling party. "A broadcaster is vulnerable to manipulation," said a spokesman this morning. "You can insert yes-men to subvert independence. We know because we've been doing it for ten years."
Boks to salute Mama Africa with Click Song -
The Springbok rugby team has confirmed that it will honour South African musical icon Miriam Makeba by performing her trademark 'click song' instead of the national anthem ahead of Saturday's test against England. According to a spokesman the thirteen players who had failed to master the clicks would snap their fingers at appropriate moments. 
