November 2008 | Vol 1 | Issue 47
Human-dog hybrid Palin apologises for proving evolution
ANCHORAGE. Conservative Republicans are in shock after it emerged this morning that vice-presidential candidate Sarah Palin, currently a self-proclaimed hockey-mom, used to be a pitbull-human hybrid. It was also revealed that shortly after accepting the Republican nomination she began to evolve rapidly into a 90-year-old man with one testicle and a Georgia cotton plantation.
Ms Palin, who has promised to keep wearing her popular rimless spectacles despite the rapid changes that will see her face become even squarer than it is, apologized to her party for proving Darwin's theory of evolution.
"I am gutted that I have let the American Right down like this," she said at a tearful press conference this morning, surrounded by her collection of stuffed polar bears in the den of her Anchorage home.
"Our primary argument for Creation and against the communist satanic onslaught of evolution has always been: 'Well I've never seen a chimp turn into a man' or 'Show me a gorilla giving birth to a human baby and I'll believe in evolution'.
"It has been an argument as sophisticated as our Grand Old Party, and I am devastated that I have undermined it, firstly by transforming from a pitbull to a woman, and now into an elderly male slave-owner."
Asked why she thought the transformation had occurred, she said she suspected her current brand of makeup.
"I thought that maybe I was born with it, but now I'm thinking maybe it's Maybelline," she said.
She added that "having to leave Anchorage and mingle with godless perversions like Californians and New Yorkers couldn't have helped".
However Palin vowed to keep her trademark hairstyle for as long as she had hair, before the final transformation took place and she had to cover her bald head with a ten-gallon black Stetson decorated with the skulls of armadillos.
"As a Republican woman, all my self-worth and dignity resides in my hair.
"My three greatest joys are serving the American people, shooting wild animals out of helicopters with an Uzi, and piling my tresses up onto my head in a way that suggests that I've just been ravaged by Fabio in a Tuscan barn."
She said the "freshly shagged" hairstyle was her way of reaching out to the American people.
"I want voters to believe that they've had their way with me, that I am their servant.
"US politics is all about give and take. We have our way with the American people, and they get a little in return."
"But not as much as we get," she added.
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