November 2008 | Vol 1 | Issue 47
Zuma camp says judiciary actually OK, focuses on stabbing Mbeki
PRETORIA. After Friday's court ruling that effectively prevents Jacob Zuma from being prosecuted for corruption, his supporters have confirmed that the judiciary is completely transformed and democratic. "On Friday morning the judiciary was a snake pit of racist conspirators," said spokesman Necklace Mpundu, "but on Friday afternoon it emerged as a revolutionary cadre."
Mpundu said he could not say exactly how the judiciary had transformed itself so completely in under four hours, but said that that favourable verdict for Zuma had helped.
However he warned that the justice system needed to remain vigilant.
"It is easy to be overrun by racist reactionaries," he said. "The justice system must always remember that it is just one counterrevolutionary verdict away from becoming an enemy of the people again."
Asked to define "counterrevolutionary", Mpundu said that it was a broad concept but that a useful yardstick for those not wanting to be counterrevolutionary would be to "not do, say or think anything that might in some way dim the celestial light that beams from every orifice of Comrade Jacob Zuma".
He added that if judges needed any help in arriving at democratic and revolutionary verdicts they should "always remember two unassailable facts".
"One, you are the pillars that hold up our Constitution. And two, we know where you live."
Meanwhile Zuma's closest allies say the verdict has left them no choice but to eject President Thabo Mbeki from office. Many were widely quoted in the weekend media as saying that Mbeki would either have to "fall on his sword, or be pushed onto it".
This view was enthusiastically echoed by ANC Youth League president Julius Malema this morning.
"Yes, Comrade Mbeki must be urged to fall on sword, or we will push him onto a sword.
"Or stab him with a spear.
"Or hit him with a rock.
"Metaphorically, of course."
However Malema added that if Mbeki did actually fall on a sword, the ANCYL could not be held responsible for his clumsiness.
Facebook 
Reddit 
Digg 
Delicious 
StumpleUpon Email this article
SABC warned to be unbiased in adulation for ANC -
The ANC has ordered the national broadcaster to stop giving favourable coverage to rival parties and has warned it to be unbiased in its adulation of the ruling party. "A broadcaster is vulnerable to manipulation," said a spokesman this morning. "You can insert yes-men to subvert independence. We know because we've been doing it for ten years."
Boks to salute Mama Africa with Click Song -
The Springbok rugby team has confirmed that it will honour South African musical icon Miriam Makeba by performing her trademark 'click song' instead of the national anthem ahead of Saturday's test against England. According to a spokesman the thirteen players who had failed to master the clicks would snap their fingers at appropriate moments. 
