November 2008 | Vol 1 | Issue 47
Mbeki legacy intact, says Mbeki
DARFUR. Thabo Mbeki says only history can judge his legacy, and if history judges him critically then history is a racist. Speaking to journalists in Sudan where he is currently trying to negotiate a ceasefire between rival gangs of feral goatherds, Mbeki said that even if he were fired by the ANC he would walk away with his integrity and his pension intact.
The South African president faces an uncertain future after judge Chris "Chopper" Nicholson implicated Mbeki in a political conspiracy against ANC president Jacob Zuma, and many party stalwarts are calling for his head while having to explain to Julius Malema that they don't want Mbeki's actual head.
According to insiders the ANC has gone as far as saying that it wants to confiscate the presidential hairball.
The hairball, removed from the stomach of a cow, was bought by Mbeki from on online store of esoteric artifacts, and reportedly allows him to see the future and interpret current events.
An aide in the Presidency who asked to remain anonymous confirmed that the hairball is consulted almost daily.
"Mr Mbeki puts on a special wig, and then rubs the hairball against Essop Pahad's tummy, blows on it, and then presses it to his ear," he said.
He also confirmed that Mbeki's policies on Aids, xenophobia, education, crime prevention and weapons procurements were all suggested by the hairball.
Presidency staff have also confirmed that they have started shredding the 1.7 million pages of text Mbeki has written while in office.
According to the staffers the documents, mostly variations on a theme of paranoia, will be turned into confetti and rained down on Jacob Zuma when he enters the Presidency.
Meanwhile a spokesman for Mbeki said that the president would go about his peacekeeping duties untroubled by events in South Africa.
"Mr Mbeki remains fully focused on sorting out the Al-Haqadi grazing rights dispute here in Darfur," said Macduff Maponyane.
"He has always had the ability to blank out public opinion when he needs to, thanks largely to the fact that he does not particularly care what South Africans think, feel, or want."
According to Maponyane, Mbeki was confident that history would vindicate his actions as president, largely thanks to a new history textbook, written by Mbeki, that would prescribed in all South African schools next year.
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SABC warned to be unbiased in adulation for ANC -
The ANC has ordered the national broadcaster to stop giving favourable coverage to rival parties and has warned it to be unbiased in its adulation of the ruling party. "A broadcaster is vulnerable to manipulation," said a spokesman this morning. "You can insert yes-men to subvert independence. We know because we've been doing it for ten years."
Boks to salute Mama Africa with Click Song -
The Springbok rugby team has confirmed that it will honour South African musical icon Miriam Makeba by performing her trademark 'click song' instead of the national anthem ahead of Saturday's test against England. According to a spokesman the thirteen players who had failed to master the clicks would snap their fingers at appropriate moments. 
