November 2008 | Vol 1 | Issue 47
Mbeki axed, can now elope to Jamaica with Mugabe
PRETORIA. Thabo Mbeki says his dramatic axing as president of South Africa is an opportunity to spend more time with the man he loves, Robert Mugabe. According to the deposed Mbeki, the celebrity couple are likely to spend their autumn years in Jamaica, drinking pina coladas and writing memoirs that will explain why everything is a conspiracy by everyone against everything.
Some political analysts feared that the resignation of Mbeki over the weekend would leave a leadership vacuum, but South Africans have responded well, saying that they are used to living in a leaderless, directionless country in which the careers of politicians take precedence over the well-being of citizens.
"Nobody has actually been running the country per se since Simon van der Stel was Governor at the Cape in 1691," historian Tacitus Hungwe said this morning.
"Shaka did fairly well, but he was limited by resources, the burgeoning colonial presence in Africa, and by being a psychopath with a penchant for disembowelling his cabinet ministers.
"The British thought South Africa was a cricket club in Nairobi, and of course the Afrikaner nationalists were less interested in the rule of law than in their policy of paving everything with facebrick and making sure every white family had a Maltese poodle, a golf-ball letter box, and a maid called Gladys."
This morning a spokesman for Mbeki and Mugabe, who are affectionately known as Mubeki, asked the public to respect their privacy in "these trying times".
He confirmed that after resigning Mbeki had left South Africa immediately to be with Mugabe on his private game farm, a country-sized estate called 'Zimbabwe'.
He said that Mbeki had "always found solace and refuge" in 'Zimbabwe', as paparazzi could either not afford batteries for their cameras or were too busy having electrodes attached to their genitals in polling booths to attempt to photograph the former South African president.
However he added that Mugabe had recently become "deeply disenchanted with Zimbabwe".
"Mr Mugabe has always been clear on one point: if you can't do whatever you want, why do anything at all?"
As a result, he said, the couple were seriously discussing eloping to Jamaica where they would be "free of the racists who insist on holding them accountable for misdeeds which they were forced to commit by the racists".
He added that they would probably be on their way as soon as Mugabe had withdrawn his retirement savings from the National Treasury.
"We're probably looking at about a week," said the spokesman. "The withdrawal is quite a laborious process, what with excavating to the foundations of the Treasury, blasting it free, loading it onto trucks, and so on."
Facebook 
Reddit 
Digg 
Delicious 
StumpleUpon Email this article
SABC warned to be unbiased in adulation for ANC -
The ANC has ordered the national broadcaster to stop giving favourable coverage to rival parties and has warned it to be unbiased in its adulation of the ruling party. "A broadcaster is vulnerable to manipulation," said a spokesman this morning. "You can insert yes-men to subvert independence. We know because we've been doing it for ten years."
Boks to salute Mama Africa with Click Song -
The Springbok rugby team has confirmed that it will honour South African musical icon Miriam Makeba by performing her trademark 'click song' instead of the national anthem ahead of Saturday's test against England. According to a spokesman the thirteen players who had failed to master the clicks would snap their fingers at appropriate moments. 
