November 2008 | Vol 1 | Issue 47
Army: Manuel has become too powerful and must be destroyed
PRETORIA. South African military commanders say Trevor Manuel, whose temporary resignation this week caused the Rand and the country's stock exchange to freefall, poses the greatest single threat to the country's future. According to senior officers in the Defence Force, Manuel has "mutated" and must be destroyed by a combined ground-, sea- and air assault.
Speaking to journalists this morning at the Ministry of Defence, Field Marshall Agamemnon Twala said that while Manuel was highly likeable and a superb Finance minister, he had "clearly mutated into something ancient, reptilian, and vengeful", and if not stopped by a full-scale military strike, would "trample one of our major cities underfoot".
"The role of the South African military is to protect the citizens and institutions of this country," said General Twala.
"This isn't a tough choice. If there is something out there that can collapse our economy within minutes, we need to take that motherf****r out."
He said that the economic mayhem created by Manuel's temporary resignation this week was "merely a taste" of what the Minister was capable of if not stopped.
"We dodged a bullet this week," said Twala. "But what happens next week?
"What happens when Minister Manuel has to have a root canal?
"Or his hound-dog dies and he gets sad?
"Or he sees that life is a grim carousel of misery and pain, and he gets depressed and hits the bottle, like some of our judges are currently doing?"
Asked if he was advocating an air strike on members of the judiciary, he said that nothing could be ruled out but added that a single strike would be difficult as "judges don't usually congregate in the same place, unless lured there with expensive whisky, and then they tend to smell a rat and be skittish".
He said that he and other military chiefs were fully aware of how bloody an attack on Manuel could be, but he said they had no choice.
"Look, if he can knock two percent off the Rand by coughing, we're obviously looking at fairly severe casualties, especially for our ground forces."
However, he said, the men and women of the SANDF were "fit, focused, and ready to lay themselves down on the altar of patriotism".
He denied that the less fit and focused members of the SANDF were demanding air-mattresses to be laid on the altar of patriotism to make it more comfortable to lie on.
The press conference ended when journalists asked General Twala if he had considered that launching a full-scale military assault on Manuel might do more damage to the economy the his continued presence.
Describing the media as "nauseatingly civilian", he said people shouldn't come crying to him if they woke up one night to see a "huge bloodshot eye staring through their window".
"When Minister Manuel is ripping the roofs off houses and eating handfuls of children like Smarties, don't say I never warned you."
Meanwhile Manuel says he is flattered by the attention of the military, but says he is not concerned about the threat of a combined assault on him.
"I am currently very busy dealing with turbulent world markets and can't be sidetracked by what are frankly quite silly threats," he said through a spokesman.
"Plus, if they try anything, I will annihilated them with my fiery breath and scatter their bones to the four winds."
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