Americans claim victory in 'Operation Roosevelt Se Ma Se P**s'
CAPE TOWN. Cape Town's infamous Americans gang says the departure from Table Bay of the US aircraft-carrier USS Theodore Roosevelt was a "cowardly retreat by a gang of rival wannabe Americans", and has reclaimed the bay as Americans territory. According to a gang spokesman, the US warship retreated after gang bosses threatened to "knife the senior officers one time".
Speaking to journalists this morning at the Americans' head office in Manenberg, spokesman Dikderm Fielies said that the arrival of the Roosevelt last week had excited the gang, until they discovered that the crew were claiming to be Americans.
"Apart from being gross infringement of established gang copyright, it's just rude," said Fielies.
He said that gang bosses had immediately ordered a drive-by shooting to assert the Americans' claim to the bay.
However, he said, the strike had not been as effective as they had hoped, as Loverboy February's speedboat had been confiscated by Cape Nature Conservation a month ago and the assault team had been forced to use Uncle Salie's rowing boat.
He confirmed that the team had fired approximately 80 rounds at the "imposter Americans".
However the sea had been very rough, he said, and 76 of the 80 rounds had gone through the bottom of the rowing boat, compelling the assault team to "effect a strategic beaching manouvre" which involved hanging onto driftwood until they were swept ashore at Monwabisi Beach in False Bay.
He described the shooting as a setback, but said the gang had been undaunted and had immediately summoned its "brains trust" from where it had been watching WWE Smackdown on etv in the upstairs poolroom.
"Basically they came up with two options for sinking the Roosevelt," explained Fielies.
"Pump it full of cement from Uncle Salie's wholesale building firm in Lavender Hill, or fill its hull with Late Harvest crackling and throw a Zippo down a hatch."
He said that ultimately both options had proved impractical, and they had finally settled on a simpler, more effective plan.
"Yesterday morning Operation Roosevelt Se Ma Se P**s was launched," he said.
"Having borrowed another rowing boat from Jollyboy Adams, the assault team approached the Roosevelt under cover of cigarette smoke, and scratched 'Roosevelt se ma se p**s' just above its waterline.
"At the same time our operations centre on Uncle Salie's couch sent the captain of the ship a message via MXit threatening him and his crew with immediate knifing, one time."
He said the operation had been a "resounding success" as nine hours later the ship had weighed anchor and left the bay.
Meanwhile the Roosevelt's commanding officer, Captain Buck Turgidson, said he was not aware of any threats.
However he confirmed that the dorsal gun batteries had informed him that a rowing boat full of "rustic-looking fellows had pulled up alongside yelling what sounded like 'Yo mamma's Porsche'".
"I assumed they were gentle fisher-folk enjoying some local humour," said Turgidson. "Otherwise we probably would have machine-gunned the boat, and then machine-gunned any survivors in the water."
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