Hayibo.com - UN to send troops to quell Madonna, Angelina Jolie

UN to send troops to quell Madonna, Angelina Jolie

NEW YORK. The United Nations says it will send troops to the homes of Madonna and Angelina Jolie in an effort to end their reign of hypocritical self-righteousness and to silence what it called their "endless stream of self-congratulatory platitudes". In a statement this morning the organization said that it would use force if necessary, and that it would probably be necessary.

Speaking to journalists at the UN's New York headquarters today spokesman Vlad Tepes said that the organization had heard the pleas of millions around the globe who were exposed to Madonna and Jolie on a daily basis.

"They're walking into refugee camps with nothing but a bundle of ten-year-old People magazines on their heads," said Tepes.

"They're barefoot, they're exhausted, many of them haven't had a pedicure in weeks, but they're all saying the same thing: if they see or hear Madonna or Jolie one more time they're going to stop watching E! Entertainment, or kill themselves, or both."

He said the UN had discussed a diplomatic solution to the Madonna-Jolie crisis but had abandoned this in favour of military action "after about four minutes".

"We could do the whole envoy thing," he said, "but frankly we just want to park some tanks on Jolie's lawn and put a couple of rounds through her dream-catcher."

However he said the UN had urged its tank commanders not to give in to the temptation of firing machine-guns at Madonna's feet to "see if she can dance as well as she claims".

"That sort of behaviour is completely unacceptable to the UN," said Tepes, "so we've told them that if they do it, we don't want to hear about it."

He said the UN had discussed the merits of both celebrities but had failed to be persuaded towards clemency.

"Some people have tried to argue that Madonna has empowered older women and redefined feminine beauty for the over-40s," he said.

"We say: mutton dressed as lamb.

"Or, as the case may be, desiccated vulture dressed as mutton dressed as lamb."

Likewise, he said, Jolie had "found herself a nice gig doing the whole international Earth Mother peace ambassador shtick despite being little more than a giant inflated top lip starring in films in which lots of people get shot to death".

"It ends now," said Tepes.