Hayibo.com - ACDP launches liberal manifesto, agrees not to ritually sacrifice gays

ACDP launches liberal manifesto, agrees not to ritually sacrifice gays

JOHANNESBURG. The African Christian Democratic Party has launched its election manifesto and has signaled a shift towards more liberal policies. According to the manifesto the ACDP is willing to allow gay people to be electronically tagged rather than ritually sacrificed, and has also conceded that children should be taught about sex when they turn 45 rather than 60.

Speaking at the launch of its new policy document, ACDP spokesman Jubilation Bongo said that the party had decided to take a "giant leap forward into the 19th Century".

"It's time to recognize that gays are here to stay," said Bongo. "At least until we find a cure."

In light of this, he said, party leadership had agreed to soften its stance and "turn the other cheek to the deviant abominations".

"It's possible we've been a little harsh by calling for the gays to be ritually sacrificed on tribulation altars around the country," said Bongo.

"Which is why we're willing to extend the hand of friendship, albeit enclosed in a rubber glove."

He said electronic tagging was a humane solution to the "gay problem", as it would allow citizens to know the whereabouts of gays at all times, giving them an opportunity to get their children indoors and to close their curtains.

Bongo said that sex education would also be encouraged by the ACDP, and that it would support the minimum age for sex-ed classes being lowered from 60 to 45.

"People need to know where babies come from," said Bongo. "They need to be taught that babies are delivered directly into the mother's womb by an angel, and that they are born four years later through a special opening in her knee.

"The facts of life are beautiful and mysterious. Our children need to know them once they enter their fifties. It's such a fragile but joyful time of life."

He confirmed that the ACDP was pushing for Outcomes-Based Education to be scrapped in favour of Values-Based Education, which would approach school subjects from a practical and wholesome perspective.

"Mathematics needs to be radically simplified," he explained. "For example, girls only need to be able to count to four, because that's how many sons they'll be having.

"Why burden the small, homely, loyal female brain with anything more taxing?"

Likewise, he said, English classes would be adapted to reflect "modern realities".

"Why does a girl need to know upsetting words like 'career', 'condom' and 'bank account'? Again, these are cluttering her mind and diverting her attention away from the preparation of her womb for her future sons."

He said under Values-Based Education, English for girls would be a one-week course in which they were taught to say "How was your day?", "Let me get your slippers for you" and "Yes dear".

Asked why God had allowed the ACDP only 1.6 percent of the vote in the last election, Bongo said it was "very complex" and involved Satan's legions, shape-shifting electoral officers, and godless communists.