As thousands of South African students queued for university registration for the first time this week, their excitement for the prospects of their educational future was palpable. “I’m definitely going to bone her, and her, and her,” said Sebastian Whiteley, pointing to girls in the line. “I might start smoking,” mused Debbie Prom-Swim.
While tensions ran high outside the court where the accused in the Eugene Terreblanche murder trial were appearing, the rhetoric and bigotry plumbed new depths of retardation, prompting experts to describe the town as ‘The Bermuda Triangle of Intelligence’.
Teachers’ union SADTU has slammed the poor quality of the go-slow underway in the Eastern Cape, saying that some teachers are working “almost as fast as snails” in direct violation of SADTU’s call that they work “as fast as bricks”. Meanwhile physicists say they may have witnessed another violation, this time of the Law of Conservation of Momentum, as some teachers cease to move even on a molecular level.
The DA Students Organisation on Monday unveiled a controversial new recruitment poster vowing to work tirelessly for a future South Africa in which two consenting adults of different races are permitted to have sexual intercourse. “This is just the beginning,” said DASO councillor Feetus Sprogg. “Next step: benches everyone can sit on.”
Outraged homosexuals and people who have passed grade three have hit out at King Goodwill Zwelithini following a speech in which he described gays as being rotten. One critic of the king suggested that Zwelithini was probably well placed to comment, saying that a grown man who dressed in leopard print skirts, feather hats, elaborate beaded necklaces and who surrounded himself with half naked warriors was probably more of a queen than a king anyway.
Following the deaths last weekend of more than 30 million soldiers in the popular multiplayer video game Battlefield 3, a group of concerned video game characters is lobbying major global military powers to implement stricter regulation of real world violence. The group believes that “excessive, gratuitous, and mostly pointless violence all over the place” is responsible for alarming increases in video game-based violence over the last decade.
As Wikipedia prepared to black out its site for 24 hours on Wednesday in protest against anti-piracy legislation, a state of emergency was declared in however many countries there are in the world, a question only Wikipedia now has the answer to. “We must come to terms with the fact that Wikipedia is currently the vault of all human knowledge,” said communications academic Egbert Dorklestein. “Without it, we are basically back to wallowing in the primordial soup.”
