After passing her eighth anniversary on Mars earlier this week, the exploration rover Opportunity has started sending passive-aggressive and snide remarks to Earth about her growing disillusionment over not finding “some kind of alien monster civilization, or even a vaguely alien monster-shaped trilobite” as she was promised.
Italian sports-car manufacturer Maserati has described as “groundbreaking and chassis-bending” reports that Khulubuse Zuma, who his own gravitational field, was allegedly clocked at 181kmh in his convertible on the weekend. Meanwhile President Zuma’s nephew has defended his driving, saying his was practising for when the workers wise up and he has to get the hell out of Dodge.
As Wikipedia prepared to black out its site for 24 hours on Wednesday in protest against anti-piracy legislation, a state of emergency was declared in however many countries there are in the world, a question only Wikipedia now has the answer to. “We must come to terms with the fact that Wikipedia is currently the vault of all human knowledge,” said communications academic Egbert Dorklestein. “Without it, we are basically back to wallowing in the primordial soup.”
As the Republican quest to find a candidate to run against Barack Obama in December’s US Presidential election gets into full swing following last week’s New Hampshire primaries, the writing teams from 1980′s soap operas Dallas and Dynasty have denied suggestions that they have been asked to get involved in scripting the whole process.
South Africa has invited Asian rhino-poaching syndicates to hunt the country’s 9,000 super-rich tax dodgers instead. According to zoologists, the tax cheats – who rob the country of R48-billion a year – have souls that are made of a hard, knotted hair-like substance that is almost identical to rhino horn, and which contains a secret pheromone known as ‘money’ that acts as a powerful aphrodisiac.
As Catherine, Duchess of Cambridge, turns 30, and she and Prince William celebrate eight months of marriage, Buckingham Palace has admitted that it is concerned that she remains “a childless husk, almost as if she’s a lesbian or a feminist or once read a book”. However, sources close to the Queen say plans are underway to produce a human-corgi hybrid if necessary.
Top Billing’s producers say they can’t wait to broadcast the wedding of presenter Janez Vermeiren to his dream three-bedroom, double-volume wife, promising a vibrant explosion of olde worlde kitsch unrivalled since the golden era of Sol Kerzner. Meanwhile, News24 has denied that its story about Vermeiren’s wedding was plagiarised from Hayibo.com, saying that it could not be blamed if people actually name their children Matisse.
