As the ANC celebrated its 100th birthday on Sunday, close relatives say that the party’s dementia is getting worse, and that it is now entirely incontinent and constantly pissing on the poor. Meanwhile baboons have reacted angrily to Julius Malema’s allegations, while Helen Zille also wants to be escorted by a gaggle of chubby guerillas. Read our full Mangaung wrap-up here…
With just 340 shopping days until the end of the world, South Africa’s leading politicians and celebrities have revealed their New Years resolutions for 2012. Read on for the full list of lists…
Just days after a former youth leader did something iconoclastic in a flyblown northern province, South Africans have begged for it not to be satirized. “Yes, he alluded to shower-heads,” said one exhausted media consumer, “but seriously, we can’t take it any more. It’s all so depressing and so desperately, toenail-pullingly boring by now. Can’t we just have some Kim Jong Extremely il jokes instead?”
The ANC Youth League has moved swiftly to deny reports that their troubled leader Julius Malema has resorted to selling his own brand of clothing. Sources within the league said that while Malema was selling a range of trendy jeans and trainers, he was doing so at Edgars where he had taken a casual job to earn some extra cash over the festive season.
Just a day after announcing that he was “finished” in politics and would become a cattle farmer, Julius Malema has changed his mind, saying that cows were far more independent and difficult to control than Youth League members. “Cows are tjatjarag,” said Malema. “Also, they are very difficult to milk, unlike taxpayers. At least taxpayers don’t stand on your foot and poo on your head.”
Suspended South African youth leader Julius Malema and ejected Italian prime minister Silvio Berlusconi are the same person, a stunning new investigation has revealed. Authorities are not yet sure whether Berlusconi is an orange latex mask worn by Malema, or whether Malema is a fat-suit worn by Berlusconi, but they have confirmed that the hedonistic populist was seen speeding away in a velour-lined pimpmobile last night.
The ANC Youth League says it will appeal Julius Malema’s five-year suspension on the basis of a procedural lapse that saw the sacked president tried as an adult rather than as a juvenile offender. “Like, duh!” yelled spokesman Joovee Marawa. “You’d think ‘Youth League’ would be a clue, but no! This is so unfair! We wish we’d never been born! You’re such a bitch!”
