Outraged patients of a traditional healer plans to sue for malpractice, saying that the healer used the wrong concoction of pickled honey-badger penis and paint-stripper. “I wanted to be cured of bad luck, but something went wrong with his spells and instead I was afflicted with a low bank balance,” said one patient, who wished to remain anonymous.
After the Christian Democratic Party described the DA Students’ Organization poster of two people embracing as a “wave-of-swill”, confused South Africans have asked the party to clarify two issues: whether or not they know how to use hyphens, and where they think babies come from if not from wave-of-swill activities.
Government has clarified its position on employing unqualified people, saying that while the SABC could be run by someone without matric – or by a “tik-infused blancmange” – the ANC’s top leaders will still require their airline pilots and heart surgeons to be highly trained. “Jobs-for-pals is great until someone falls out of the sky in a fireball,” explained a spokesman.
After passing her eighth anniversary on Mars earlier this week, the exploration rover Opportunity has started sending passive-aggressive and snide remarks to Earth about her growing disillusionment over not finding “some kind of alien monster civilization, or even a vaguely alien monster-shaped trilobite” as she was promised.
Teachers’ union SADTU has slammed the poor quality of the go-slow underway in the Eastern Cape, saying that some teachers are working “almost as fast as snails” in direct violation of SADTU’s call that they work “as fast as bricks”. Meanwhile physicists say they may have witnessed another violation, this time of the Law of Conservation of Momentum, as some teachers cease to move even on a molecular level.
Italian sports-car manufacturer Maserati has described as “groundbreaking and chassis-bending” reports that Khulubuse Zuma, who his own gravitational field, was allegedly clocked at 181kmh in his convertible on the weekend. Meanwhile President Zuma’s nephew has defended his driving, saying his was practising for when the workers wise up and he has to get the hell out of Dodge.
As temperatures soar in the Western Cape, Cape Town’s hipsters are struggling to keep cool in a “post-cool” world. According to the city’s hipsters, who are most commonly found clustered around a Vida e or leaning against a graffitied brick wall jamming on their ukeleles, the ongoing heat-wave has left them struggling to cope both physically and conceptually.
