Minister of Sport and Recreation Fikile Mbalula, who is currently embroiled in a sex scandal after allegations of an affair surfaced on the weekend, has defended his actions, describing them as part of the job. “What else do they mean by ‘recreation’?”, he asked.
South Africans have reacted with relief and joy to Professor Tim Noakes’ use of Medieval logic to claim that match-fixing knocked the Springboks out of the World Cup quarterfinal, saying that they always suspected that Satan and black cats were involved somehow. Meanwhile Noakes says he is looking forward to proving that the All Blacks are witches.
Literate South Africans have vowed to punish sports writers and Twitter pundits for weeks of World Cup cliches, confirming that they will be strapped to a genuine Emotional Rollercoaster until they vomit, provided with a literal Bitter Pill To Swallow, before finally having a wooden stake hammed into their chest to help them understand what “heartbreak” really means.
Civic leaders have hailed the amnesiac performance of the national anthem by Ard Matthews, saying that he and fellow anthem-butcher Ras Dumisani have built a “bridge of quasi-musical retardation” across cultural divides and united the country in derision. “If we can all become tone-deaf, perhaps we can also eventually become colour-blind,” said a spokesman.
ABSA Bank, sponsors of the Springbok ‘rugby team’ say they are fully behind the decision of the side’s management to field a second string XV for the opening games of the TriNations. A spokesperson for the bank said that as banking executives they completely endorsed the concept of overpaying people for under-performing – as long as it was all paid for by the man in the street, preferably without him even knowing it.
Sports scientists say they are stumped by a photograph of Springbok stars posing next to the bleeding carcass of an inexpertly shot zebra. “Obviously Victor Matfield and Fourie du Preez didn’t shoot it for fun, because killing animals for pleasure is a major trait of serial killers,” said one expert. “But perhaps it’s part of some sort of treatment for men with microscopically small penises.”
As FIFA President Sepp Blatter prepared to run unopposed for a fourth consecutive term, Zimbabwean president Robert Mugabe admitted yesterday that he had finally been beaten at his own game. “This guy makes me look like a hippie giving out flowers at an organic cider festival,” he sighed, before confirming that he would be offering his throne – made of the skulls of pro-democracy activists – to Blatter.
