Hayibo

With the war in Iraq two years old and home-front morale flagging, US Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld went on a charm offensive in Washington, launching the ill-fated “We’re Better Hung Than Osama” campaign.

For three weeks all media questions were answered in terms relating to various erectile states, but the public-relations exercise came to a sudden halt when senior reporters began boycotting briefings on the grounds that if they had “to hear about one more full-seven-inches insurgency of American beef into the virgin soil of hot young Persia” they would “vomit collectively on the ornamental briefing podium”.

Apologising for the campaign later, a spokesman for Rumsfeld said, “The US military is not just about penis size, but that’s most of it. If we offended anyone, it was probably people with small penises, like Democrats, or environmentalists, or French people, or Hilary Clinton.”