The South African government says it can’t afford to send rape squads or torture teams to Zimbabwe to help Robert Mugabe win the upcoming election, mainly because it has spent the last of the money it got for selling the higher moral ground and pawning its moral compass. However, a spokesman confirmed that the government would be supplying Mugabe with plenty of immoral support.
Zimbabwean President Robert Mugabe is coming under pressure to reveal details of his health as he spends increasing amounts of time in China. The veteran dictator returned from another trip to the east this weekend with sources quick to deny that he was suffering from prostate cancer. Asked to clarify the purpose of the trip a spokesman revealed that Mugabe had travelled to Beijing in order to ‘have his batteries changed’.
The ANC Youth League says it is already planning what to wage war against once it has won Julius Malema’s “economic war” against white capital in South Africa, with strategists predicting a total onslaught against the few chickens that will survive the economic meltdown. “We’ll fight anything, really, as long as it keeps us in the headlines,” said one planner.
Robert Mugabe has denied a Wikileaks report claiming that he has prostate cancer, saying that he has a minor digestive niggle brought on by years of “pooping radioactive liberation-grenades onto the heads of gay British homosexual English poofters”. The Zimbabwean despot has also vowed to die rather than have a male surgeon probe his “revolutionary rear guard”.
President Jacob Zuma announced the details of Census 2011 on Monday, invoking the spirit of the late folk singer John Denver as he did so, by urging all those South Africans, who had not yet left on a jet plane, to ‘fill out his census, like a night in the forest.’
As FIFA President Sepp Blatter prepared to run unopposed for a fourth consecutive term, Zimbabwean president Robert Mugabe admitted yesterday that he had finally been beaten at his own game. “This guy makes me look like a hippie giving out flowers at an organic cider festival,” he sighed, before confirming that he would be offering his throne – made of the skulls of pro-democracy activists – to Blatter.
The Catholic Church has officially blessed the systematic torture of Zimbabweans but has reminded Catholics that wearing a condom will send them straight to hell. The new policy was announced as Robert Mugabe was welcomed to the Vatican for the beatification of Pope John Paul II, a move insiders see as a first step in the geriatric despot being made the patron saint of rigged elections.
