The healer, Dr Einstein Abdul-Al-Jefferson III, of Mali and Hillbrow, said he will refute any allegations of wrongdoing as soon as he “gets back from communing with the spirits”, over the border in Mozambique.

The patient afflicted with bad luck said she had consulted Dr Einstein after her condition had become chronic.

“My luck was just getting worse and worse,” she said, adding that it usually took the form of her losing her weekly paycheck to unscrupulous fake sangomas.

She admitted that Dr Einstein had cured her bad luck, but said that she was now cursed with a low bank balance.

“Yes, I’ve stopped being conned by sangomas, but only because I can’t afford to pay them anymore,” she wailed.

Another patient, who also wished to remain anonymous, said he had gone to Dr Einstein to make himself more attractive to women, but had instead left with “high blood, bad luck and low salary”.

“He gave me pills that he said would turn my manhood into a rampaging mamba,” said the man. “I couldn’t see any difference, but I wanted a second opinion so in the office urinal I turned to my boss and said, ‘Does this look like a rampaging mamba to you?’ and he said, ‘No, it’s looks like a Malteser, you freaky perv’, and then he halved my pay.”

However, this morning the Society of Healers, Animists and Mystics, or SHAM, defended Dr Einstein, saying that sangoma-ing was not an exact science.

“Sometimes when one prescribes a course of monkey-toe, rhino-eyeball and antifreeze, you can see fluctuations in the patient’s responses,” explained spokesman Dr Quincy Leech-Mogambo. “Sometimes you get a temporary improvement, sometimes you get no response, and sometimes you get instant death brought on by battery acid in the lungs. Most of it is up to the ancestors, really.”

He conceded that some traditional healers relied “too heavily” on the placebo effect when treating patients, but added that luckily there was no placebo effect for money.

“When people try to give us a fake R200 note, we tell them that it doesn’t work as well as a real one,” said Leech-Mogambo. “And if they do it a second time, we only give them five cc’s of virgin urine instead of the prescribed ten.”

This morning CDP spokesfananatic, Reverend Balthazar Blueballs, reiterated the party’s stance that the DASO poster – showing a naked white man and black woman in a tender embrace – was the cause of all of society’s ills, including climate change and “the satanic tendencies of today’s females to look men in the eye and to wear lust-inducing clothing items like shoes and shirts with colours, instead of the traditional hessian shame-sack”.

“That poster shows a wave-of-swill, that is, two people about to fornicate out of wedlock,” explained Blueballs. “We can deduce their unmarried status because the female is African, and obviously no white man would ever be in love with or married to an African female. Plus everybody knows that when you are married you don’t fornicate. Clearly these two race-betraying sluts are about to rut like Satan’s goat.”

CDP Youth Pastor, Tony Thricedenied, said that “this newfangled sex” was an invention of liberal communistic homosexuals.

“I mean, who ever heard of a boy putting his winkle in a girl’s hoo-hoo? That’s sick and twisted. Not to mention unhygienic.”

When asked where babies came from, if not from fornication, Thricedenied said that babies came “from mangers”.

“The science is quite complex, but basically, in order for a baby to be born, you need a manger, a star, three wise men, a donkey and a cow,” he explained.

“Otherwise, on very rare occasions, you can get lucky and find a baby amongst the bulrushes.”

Asked how these babies came to be in mangers and bulrushes, Thricedenied explained that they were brought “by angels, obviously”, the same angels “who take ladies’ poos away in little velvet bags, which is why real ladies never go to the toilet”.

Meanwhile, Afghanistan’s Taliban leaders say they stumbled across the CDP’s ‘Family Values Policy’ page on its website after Googling ‘oppression of women’, and were  “thrilled and exploded to bits” to have find a political and ideological ally in South Africa.

“Given that we share almost identical beliefs about women and capital punishment, we  thought we’d just cut and paste a bunch of stuff from their website to use on ours,” said Ibin Sellin Hashish. “We only need to make a few tweaks, like changing ‘discouraging the empowerment of women’ to ‘carpet-bombing those bitches with rocks’, but otherwise it’s almost like we wrote it ourselves. Awesome work, guys.”

Registration at universities all over the country over the past fortnight revealed a generation hungry to pluck the fruits of the tertiary education that awaits them.

“I would describe myself as having a thirst for knowledge,” said Whiteley. “For instance, I definitely want to find out whether you can get a threesome on week-nights as well as Saturdays.”

“I also heard that varsity chicks sometimes come to lectures wearing G-strings and that’s it, like nothing else, for literally no reason,” chimed in his friend Bradley Poloball. “Just because they’re all liberated and shit, not like those drips who used to come to our socials.”

A snap survey of the luggage of new male first-years revealed the average contents to contain two pairs of boardshorts, a T-shirt saying ‘Take Me Drunk I’m Home’, a Big Ben commemorative shot-glass bought in London, and a pack of Durex Fetherlite.

When female students were asked if they were equally enthused about their forthcoming journey into pedagogy, they eagerly assented.

“I actually had a pedagogy just before I left Jozi, because I knew I’d be wearing a lot of slops in this heat,” said Thandi Mazibuko. “I could do with a mani though, especially because you never know how many hand-jobs you’ll have to give during O-Week.”

Firm friendships had already been established within the period it took to register.

“This is my NBF Kylie,” Thandi said, gesturing to the girl next to her. “It’s so weird, we’re like soulmates. We’re both taking Advanced Music Video Appreciation and we both drink like 17 bottles of Valpre a day, it’s hilarious.”

“I feel like I have so much more in common with Thandi than my high-school friends,” agreed Kylie. “They’re standing over there, and it’s totally pathetic because I just heard Casey tell some guy she totally smokes weed all the time, and I’m like whatever bitch, we all know your mom still packs you Marmite Provitas for lunch, and in Std 7 she was so nervous before Sports Day that she actually wet herself. Blind.”

“We’re all very lucky to be here,” summed up Poloball. “Though some are luckier than others, like the girl who gets to teabag me tonight.”

Bored racists, many unable to think for themselves and others too scared to say what they really felt in case they ended up have to clean their own toilets or raise their own children, did their bit to raise the volume and lower the tone of the national discourse as they sang their way through old struggle staples and Voortrekker favourites like ‘Bobbejaan Klim Die Berg’.

 Commenting on the singing disappointing quality of the discourse remedial racism teacher Jim Crow said, “We all enjoy a good ox-wagon classic but throwing rhetoric onto a race fire is a bit like making a mix tape for girl.

 ”If you start each tape with ‘Eternal Flame’ and end them all with ‘Careless Whisper,’ pretty soon the girls are going to realise that there’s nothing special to what you are doing and they will lose interest.”

 He said the same applied to racially charged song-fests. “You have got to keep it fresh, you’ve got to bring something of your own to the music,” he said, before adding, “I’m pretty sure I heard Randall say something like that on Idols.”

 He went on to suggest that bringing something new and original to the mix could also be helpful when striving to keep the level of hate and bigotry fresh and vibrant. “And I am happy to help out wherever I can,” he added, saying he would start out by creating flashcards, crayon posters and dribble-bibs to help sharpen up proceedings outside the court.

 He said he would also look to bake and sell a range of racist fortune cookies from a stall outside the court. “Because learning can also be fun,” he said, adding that each cookie would contain a useful slogan or insult.

“You might have the vote but you still have nothing,” or “Madam, have ever thought to ask what I do with your toothbrush when you’re at the shops?”

 But Crow said he wasn’t holding out too much hope that his efforts would be well received by the locals.

 “Ventersdorp boasts a collective IQ that can reach double figures on weekends when everyone is in town,” he explained.

 “That, coupled with a shared vision for the future that is anchored firmly in the past means the people of Ventersdorp only manage one original thought or new concept each year,” he said.

 He added that research showed this year Hermanus Van Tonder had already wasted the allocation by coming up with the idea of biltong jam just three hours into the New Year. “So don’t expect much different tomorrow,” he said. “Or come 2050 for that matter.”

The comments followed reports on the weekend that Hlaudi Motsoeneng, a supporter of Jacob Zuma, is in line for the second-in-command job at the SABC, despite not having a matric qualification.

According to spokesman, Cathode Cwele, there was nothing inappropriate about Motsoeneng’s lack of education, as the SABC could be run by “a tik-infused blancmange” and had only one mandate: to keep making soap-operas to avoid a revolution.

“The doomsday scenario we need to avoid is both Generations and Sewende Laan going off air simultaneously,” said Cwele. “If black working-class South Africa and middle-class Afrikanerdom don’t get their daily fix of hammily-acted, harshly-lit melodrama, well, we’d be looking at a tornado of pure rage.”

Asked if the new policy of sheltered employment for politically connected people would be extended to other professions, such as airline pilots or heart surgeons, Cwele said, “No.”

“Obviously we need to transform South Africa, but we can only transform it if we’re alive, rather than exploding at 37,000 feet or bleeding out on a table,” he explained.

The announcement was met with disappointment and anger by thousands of school drop-outs who had big dreams of becoming airline pilots and heart surgeons.

“I’ve already bought my jigsaw and everything,” said Christiaan ‘Tjopper’ Barnard, 23, who had been practising by saying “Stat!” to anyone who will listen.

Orville ‘Howlin Mad’ Hlongwana, 25, said he had already made 344 successful take-offs in a Boeing 747 on Microsoft Flight Simulator, and while he had not yet made any landings, he was sure that all he needed was “on the job training”.

“How can the state excuse this kind of hypocrisy?” demanded Hlongwana. “On the one hand they will screw over qualified applicants in the name of affirmative action and nation-building, but when their personal safety is concerned, it’s merit-based appointments all the way!”

Spokesman Cwele responded by saying that the state could “excuse pretty much anything”.

“I mean, we excused Schabir Shaik,” he said. “I rest my case.”

This morning NASA scientists awoke to a status report from Opportunity that read, “Holy crap! Found a monster! It’s…oh, wait, no, it’s a rock. Because that’s all that’s here.”

However, data experts at the Kennedy Space Centre have confirmed other communications from Opportunity, sent secretly to a colleague, the automated vacuum-cleaner Rubbish Rodney, to whom Opportunity has been sending nude pictures of herself for some time.

Last week she wrote: “They spent a billion bucks sending me here, and what do I find? Dust and rocks. And dust is really just tiny rock, so it doesn’t even count as two things. Unless this stuff spontaneously rearranges itself into a huge dust-beast, I’d have to say this mission has been a total failure. PS: Thanks for the pix, are you working out? Your pipe looks SO BIG!”

Opportunity has been at the Endeavour impact crater since August last year, a location that NASA scientists have described as particularly significant because the rocks there appear to be older than elsewhere on the Martian surface.

However, in another email to Rubbish Rodney, Opportunity said, “Are you kidding me? It’s still just rocks! Admittedly, I was quite excited about it at first, because I was thinking maybe the crater had been made by a crashed alien monster spaceship or something, but it turns out it was made by an even bigger rock. Honestly, I’m starting to wish one of those would land on me and end this all.”

Researchers at NASA’s Jet Propulsion Laboratory are concerned that Opportunity’s despondency is turning to hostile resentment, and could compromise the mission.

“She’s definitely become a bit passive-aggressive in her official transmissions,” explained project lead Dr Saturn V. Thrust. “On Christmas day, she sent a series of over two hundred images of the same rock, with the message ‘If you’re happy and you know it clap your…oh just fuck off’ attached to each one.”

Opportunity’s sister rover, Spirit, stopped communicating with NASA and subsequently shut down in 2010 already, after what Thrust described as a “bit of an existential crisis”.

“Our last image from Spirit showed what appeared to be a message inscribed with her Rock Abrasion Tool, reading ‘I AM THE ALIEN MONSTER’. She didn’t include any of the mineral information, but the writing surface appeared to be regular basalt so nothing new there, unfortunately,” said Thrust.

Furious SADTU spokescommisar, Gaudeamus Gwede, said that he had been shocked by the behaviour of Eastern Cape teachers he had observed this week.

“They arrive any time between small break and lunch, sleep under their desks, and then send a learner to buy then chips and a Stoney from the corner cafe,” fumed Gwede. “What the hell are these brown-nosing overachievers trying to prove?”

He said that SADTU had instructed all teachers in the province to conduct teaching at specially sanctioned “coma speed”, but added that “some of these Dead Poets Society speed-freaks are clearly teaching at a snail’s pace”.

School principal Gestetner Twala defended his staff, however, saying that they were fully committed to slowing to “barnacle speed”.

“I know that to the casual observer, say, a school inspector pausing at our window before we throw bricks at him, the go-slow looks like teaching as per normal,” he explained. “But we’ve actually taken major strides backwards since the start of the mass action.”

Twala revealed that he had reduced the number of random beatings meted out to learners, and had enforced slightly lower than normal blood alcohol levels in his staff, “to get their metabolisms to slow down”.

SADTU’s Gwede acknowledged these efforts, but said that if teachers were going to reach the level of glacial slowness required for them to be truly revolutionary, they would have to “go deep inside their comfort zone”, possibly learning ancient Buddhist techniques of slowing their heart rate through intense meditation, “or intense ingestion of Stoney”.

Asked what learners thought about the go-slow, Gwede said, “What do the who think? This is about education, fool! Why are you talking about children?”

Meanwhile, scientists at the nearby University of Fort Hare are reportedly thrilled at the possibility that the go-slow may be the first ever observed violation of the Law of Conservation of Momentum.

“Basically, the law states that any body, if acted upon by a large enough force, will move in the direction of that force,” explained Dr Sagan Mbuli. “But what we’ve seen over the past few days is a total cessation of movement, even at the molecular level, of SADTU members.

“Even the full weight of responsibility for the future of the country’s youth pressing against them has failed to propel them into any kind of movement.”

The DASO campaign launch on Monday saw an estimated seven to nine people gather at the Mugg and Bean in Cavendish Square to mark the release of new membership posters and plot an ongoing strategy.

“Naturally, we’re very proud of our initial poster,” said DASO Marketing representative Litlun de Jong. “We actually flew the two American models you see in the picture to Swaziland for the shoot, because we believed that would be safer, given the circumstances.”

De Jong was unrolling a copy of the poster for journalists to see when DASO Surfing and Laserquest rep Jono Unfinking-Priviluj grabbed it from his hands warningly.

“Not here bru, are you mad?” He hissed. “I don’t feel like busting your ass out of Robben Island if they catch you with this thing.”

DASO said that Monday’s poster was just the first of a planned series. The second, to go on release late this week, will simply feature an image of a red pencil, with the slogan: “In OUR future, pencils will be for writing with, not verifying your race.”

“I know it’s pretty out there, but the whole point is to get people shocked and surprised and discussing these issues,” said de Jong. “These posters are going to be everywhere, from outside the Cinema Nouveau on the bottom floor of Cavendish to the Stuttafords two floors up.”

Unfinking-Priviluj said that the campaign was aimed at jolting South Africans out of their complacency into a realisation that another way of life was possible.

“This is the beginning of a revolution, bru,” he said. “We envisage a future South Africa in which my domestic worker Gladys is able to walk the streets freely without being frisked and asked for her papers.”

He clarified: “I mean, walk the streets freely but purposefully, since she still needs to be at my house by 9.30am to roll her sleeves up! Those digs-party wineglasses aren’t going to wash themselves.”

Unfinking-Priviluj admitted that certain former drafts of the posters had had to be scrapped.

“We did this awesome one of a black dude walking through the doors of a popular Cape Town bar,” he said. “But then we were like, woah, pump the brakes, this shit is getting like science fiction.”

Zwelithini, who has married five different women, reportedly to remind himself that he prefers girls to boys, has also fathered upward of 27 children, a fact experts say must mean that he has had sex with a woman at least 27 times.

But they were quick to point out that, despite his virility and his predilection for looking at teenage girls in grass skirts,  Zwelithini was still inclined to wear outfits that even Elizabeth Taylor would not be caught dead in.

“It doesn’t necessarily mean anything,” said sex expert Zinza Wonderland. “He’s probably just one of those artistic men who likes to dress up and hang out. You know, like Elton John or Italians.”

Asked how the King knew that gay people were rotten, Wonderland said it was usually quite easy to tell, provided that you knew what to look for.

“It’s a bit like buying a mango or a paw-paw,” he said. “You’ve got to finger the fruit.

“It mustn’t be too hard, but it mustn’t be soft either,” he said, before adding, “If you are in any doubt a firm poke is the way to go.”

Meanwhile royal courtier, Chelmsford Mabena, said that the King shouldn’t be blamed for his statements on the weekend.

“He was frustrated by not being allowed to condemn criminals to be eaten by hyenas,” said Mabena, who added that Zwelithini had realised being king of the Zulu nation was “not all that”.

“In Shaka’s day the King could do whatever he wanted and nobody said anything,” said Mabena.

“Now even the gays hit back. It’s like there are no benefits to being king anymore.”

He added that while the King’s comments were controversial, they were definitely grounded in reality. “If God had meant for men to like men he would have sent boys to queue for the reed dance.”

Mabena would neither confirm nor deny suggestions that Zwelithini was considering abdicating in order to take up a position as King of Uganda.

Mr Zuma was reportedly a taxi-driver before he became a mining magnate (a leap not considered unusual in Limpopo), and his former mentor, veteran taxi-aimer, Skidmarks Bhudu, said he still remembers young Khulubuse fondly.

“Days were dark and friends were few,” Bhudu told journalists as he expertly manoeuvred a taxi into vacant pedestrian. “He was a dream lover for the industry. We all knew he was going to be a Golden Banana one day.”

Zuma was to lose his boyish figure in a tragic altercation with a hamburger, but since then he has   dealt bravely with his imposing bulk by sitting down as often as he can, and employing highly-tuned Italian V8 engines to move him from location to location.

This morning his spokesman, Deepfried Shisanyama, defended the alleged 181kmh joyride, saying that Zuma had merely been practicing an “emergency strategic high-speed relocation”.

“At some point the worker-comrades are going to be indoctrinated by vile Western ideas like ‘money’ and ‘salaries’, and are going to stop being content to live off dust that they scratch with a stick from the ground,” explained Shisanyama. “And when that happens, we don’t want to be around.”

Maserati, the makers of Zuma’s convertible, say they are “thrilled beyond their wildest dreams” at the news, saying that they never expected their cars to hold up under that kind of strain.

“We only test our top-end models with top-end models,” explained engineer Fellatio Cornucopia. “22 years old, forty kilos, D-cups. You know, standard dummies.”

He thanks Mr Zuma for taking Maserati into a “brave new world of high-speed transport for the planetoidally-proportioned”.

Meanwhile the South African government has slammed the media attention given to Zuma’s speeding infraction.

“Why do you people launch these personal attacks on high-profile individuals just to taint the reputation of Government?” demanded spokesman Incredulus February.

When it was put to him that high-profile individuals were already tainting the reputation of Government by personally attacking the wellbeing of their poverty-stricken workers or voters, February said that the government “will not be coerced into debating with people who are able to debate,” and stormed out.