Aquarius Jan 20 – Feb 18
Aquarians value individuality. In fact all 500-million Aquarians are identical in their individualism.
Aries Mar 21 – Apr 19
As an Aries your relationships are ruled by the planet Venus: your lover is incredibly hot, fiery, and extremely poisonous.
Cancer Jun 22 – Jul 22
You are what you eat. This week you will take stock of your body, and discover that your skin is oily and flaky and that your flesh is by turns stringy and fatty. Yes, it’s true: you have turned into a pepper-steak pie from the One Stop on the corner.
Capricorn Dec 22 – Jan 19
This week you’ll feel healthy, natural and uncluttered, and you’ll get lots of attention from friends and strangers alike. This is all because you’ll go to work naked by accident and people from the 26th floor will be screaming “Oh the humanity!” and clawing at their eyes.
Gemini May 21 – Jun 21
You are highly intelligent and very attractive. Just remember not to tell people this too often or they might say mean things to your beautiful, clever face. (Stupid, ugly people can be so petty.)
Leo Jul 23 – Aug 22
This week you will discover how eerily similar the circumstances of your birth were to those of Simba, the Lion King. You too were born in Africa and you too had a mother and father. You also make up fake African lyrics to catchy ethnic songs – “Hya baa mama yeh huya mana!” and so on. It gets creepier, though: you too are the natural prey of hyenas. Isn’t that weird?
Libra Sep 23 – Oct 23
As a Libra you love to have a well-balanced view, to look at both sides of an issue before you judge. On the other hand, sometimes it’s important to make a snap decision. Then again, sometimes it isn’t. And that’s not a bad thing, either. Although of course it can be a bad thing – you’re not ruling out all possibilities. Because anything could happen. Could go either way. Or not. Oh just make a decision, you emotionally paralysed non-judgmental freak.
Pisces Feb 19 – Mar 20
People who live in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. They also shouldn’t have sex, go to the toilet or be overweight. People in frosted Perspex houses, however, can lob half-bricks to their hearts’ content.
Sagittarius Nov 22 – Dec 21
Like most Sagitariuses you’ve confused love and sex for most of your life. You loved your first bicycle and were sent home for trying to have sex with it; and now you’ve fallen deeply in love with an inflatable Japanese sex-doll called Ishimashi-2000.
Scorpio Oct 24 – Nov 21
You are extremely sensual and sexual, which has led to a long string of sizzling affairs rather than any meaningful relationships. In polite company this is called ‘being slutty’. In honest company, this is called ‘being awesome’. This week you will be awesome again, although for a change you’ll stay for breakfast.
Taurus Apr 20 – May 20
This week will be an auspicious one for working through the night on some painstaking manual project. Time to start tunnelling through the wall with the tin spoon you smuggled out of the prison canteen.
Virgo Aug 23 – Sep 22
Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times, shame on my mom for smoking all that crack when she was pregnant.
