Aquarius Jan 20 – Feb 18
They say you cannot get blood from a stone but this week you will almost prove them wrong by scrubbing the stone really really hard. However, you will finally give up: they’ve got Luminol, they’ve got spectral analysis, they’ve got a waitress who saw you leaving and selecting a big rock in the parking lot. They’re going to get you. And how humiliating will it be when exhibit A isn’t a glove, a knife, a shooter, but a freaking rock. Evolve, dammit.
Aries Mar 21 – Apr 19
The famous Aries celebrities you most closely resemble are Vincent Van Gogh, Marlon Brando and Charlie Chaplin, in that you are an obese tramp with a bloody ear-hole
Cancer Jun 22 – Jul 22
You tend to follow your senses rather than logic. This makes you interesting. It also makes you easy prey for Canadian fur trappers. This week you will follow the scent of waffles and bacon into a snare, and end up chewing off your leg in a bid for freedom.
Capricorn Dec 22 – Jan 19
Time heals all wounds. Yes, the shark-bite looks a bit off-putting now but many people live long and fulfilling lives with no torso. If you can just crawl up the beach and hail a life-guard…
Gemini May 21 – Jun 21
Your natural Gemini duality will come to the fore this week. Don’t listen to the doubters and stay firm: they might call it Multiple Personality Disorder but you call it duality, and if the doctors want to argue, refuse to talk to them. Rather send Heinrich, the Bavarian butcher who lives in your subconscious, and he can scream at them in German while you have a nap.
Leo Jul 23 – Aug 22
You possess the human touch, in that you like to touch humans, often in crowded trains. They don’t always like it, but that’s why you have a lawyer on retainer.
Libra Sep 23 – Oct 23
This week you will try to achieve harmony and balance by joining a choir and taking up tightrope-walking. Both will end badly but only one will be fatal: you will trip on the stage and plunge into the orchestra-pit, impaling yourself on a viola.
Pisces Feb 19 – Mar 20
Never say die. Except if you are plunging your photon-harpoon into the third heart of the vicious intergalactic space-porpoise that has been terrorising your small mining colony. Then don’t just say it, scream it. This week be on your guard for marauding space-cephalopods. The sky-dolphins are mostly harmless, but if you see a pod of cosmic killer-whales, head for the bunker.
Sagittarius Nov 22 – Dec 21
You wish things could be different this week, but if wishes were horses then beggars would ride. And frankly that would just be weird, having Arabian stallions get their gobby steamy breath all over your windscreen as their owners ask for R15,000 to cover stable- and grooming costs at the night shelter.
Scorpio Oct 24 – Nov 21
Next week your life will be like an episode of Top Billing: you’ll suddenly be surrounded by smug retards in a Midrand bunker full of African kitsch, looking forward to your first baby, little Chad-Evan-Bruno. When Ianez and Jeannie D arrive, explode their heads by showing them a book containing no pictures.
Taurus Apr 20 – May 20
You’re so solid and dependable that your friends call you “The Rock”. Coincidentally, like that movie you are also packed with explosive poison gas and prone to appalling dialogue. However, you do do a great Sean Connery impression, which is something you have in common with Sean Connery.
Virgo Aug 23 – Sep 22
Many hands make light work. If light not work, get more hands. Each hand take turn to push button. Why light still not work? Maybe because still 40,000 years till electricity invented. Damn.
