As the UK goes to the polls in a critical general election today, South African expats used to voting along purely racial lines have admitted to being deeply confused about how to cast their vote. “All of them are white, bru,” said gap-year student Nicholas Bishops-Michaelhouse. “So how must I know which one to pick?”
Today’s election is expected to be Britain’s closest for decades, and resident South African citizens are entitled to vote due to their Commonwealth status. Thousands have confessed, however, to being “stressed and confused” by the proliferation of white faces standing for parliament.
“It’s not like back home,” said Fulham resident Bonita du Preez, originally from Welkom. “There you know you must sommer vote for the DA because they’re the only whites on the ballot sheet. And everyone knows that you have to stop the blacks getting a three-thirds majority or they’ll make us go from salt-water to chlorine pools, plus they want to nationalise gunite.”
Her concerns were echoed by many at a gathering of worried South Africans at the Wimbledon Slug & Lettuce last night.
“This whole voting vibe is just lank, lank hectic,” Bishops-Michaelhouse confessed while ordering 14 Snakebites at the bar. “It’s like the most hectic responsibility I’ve ever had to face.
“At least since Matric, when I was Head Boy and had to decide whether we should let ugly chicks come to our socials, because even though they were sif they might be skanks. This is even more hectic than that.”
The Slug’s bartender, Wesley van Rooyen, concurred. “English people keep asking me which party I support, and I’m like: ones with foam machines and foxy ladies getting their boobs out,” he said. “Then they look at me all skeef like I’m dof or something.”
“And I don’t even have Gareth Cliff to tell me what I should think about stuff,” he added, dissolving into tears. “I miss him so much.”
All South Africans present agreed that there had been a “deafening silence” from UK politicians on “the issues that really matter”.
“Everyone talks all this kak in this country about Iraq and nuclear weapons and the EU,” complained du Preez. “But nobody has said nothing about the fact that you can only get Zoo Biscuits from that one shop at the Wimbledon tube station, and sometimes they’re a bit stale.
“Also, they should stop gaaning aan about climate change,” she added. “If I was them I’d be blerrie grateful that their climate might change.”
The meeting ended with a lack of consensus about who to vote for, but unanimous agreement that they should pool their money to get a tray of Jaegerbombs for the road.
“It’s no secret that England has a crisis of leadership,” slurred Bishops-Michaelhouse as he stumbled out. “Look at that gigantic doos they used to let lead their cricket team.”
