POLOKWANE. President Jacob Zuma, responding to Julius Malema’s statement on Monday that former president Thabo Mbeki was the “best leader ever”, has docked the ANC Youth League leader’s pocket money and cut his weekly pornography allocation. Malema sought yesterday to minimise damage by clarifying that Zuma remained superior via the principle of “first is the worst, second is the best”.
ANC Youth League leader Julius Malema’s surprise announcement on Monday that he considered ex-president Thabo Mbeki the “best leader” has sent shock-waves through the ruling party.
“First of all Comrade Julius broke the protocol on saying He Who Must Not Be Named’s name,” confided ANC spokesperson Skinnerbek Malope. “There are only two occasions on which it is acceptable to voice his name. The first is if your name happens to be the same as his name and someone asks you what your name is. The second is if you are playing 30 Seconds and his name is the answer on a card.”
He continued: “And in both instances it is well known that you must follow up the utterance of his name by spitting into the wind, throwing a tumbler of Glenfiddich over your left shoulder and rubbing your stomach while patting your head.”
According to witnesses, Malema was not seen to follow this formula when making his remarks at an ANC Youth league council meeting in Polokwane.
Newspapers reported that Malema also stated that Mbeki “was the most educated and clever” leader in the same meeting.
“This is not true,” said Malema’s aide Buttkiss Khumalo. “He had moved on to talk of other things and his description of ‘most educated and clever’ was referring to that yellow chicken off Takalani Sesame.”
Khumalo also suggested that Malema’s statement needed to be interpreted in its “wider philosophical context”.
“Comrade Julius was drawing on Aristotle’s timeless observation that first is the worst, second is the best, and third is the one with the hairy chest, and I think we all understand here that ‘first’ is Mbeki, ‘second’ is Zuma and ‘third’ is that bloody madam who runs the DA,” Khumalo stated.
Nonetheless, insiders report that President Jacob Zuma has moved to take disciplinary action against the Youth League leader.
“It is not that Msholozi is hurt,” insisted a presidential spokesperson yesterday when asked to explain why multiple photographs of Zuma and Malema had been found in dustbins outside the presidential residence with Malema’s head cut out and the words HOW COULD YOU scrawled across them.
“He has merely taken the precautionary measure of dispatching Comrade Julius to the Naughty Chair for the time being.”
The Naughty Chair, a much-feared ANC punishment, is a barstool in the corner of the Boeretroos Kroeg in Beaufort West from where it is notoriously difficult to catch the bartender’s eye.
“And it wobbles,” confirmed an ANC insider last night. “And it’s right next to the speaker, and all they play is Kurt Darren’s Meisie Meisie on repeat.”
He added: “I’m not saying what Julius said was right, but it would basically be kinder to have him shot in the head.”
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