JOHANNESBURG. The South African Football Association has apologized to the public after it discovered this morning that national coach Joel Santana was in fact not a football coach but rather a maraca player in a samba band who had filled in the wrong job application form. SAFA said it was “mortified”, but added that no harm had been done as “Bafana can’t get worse”.
According to a spokesman, the error had been discovered at a meeting of the SAFA board this morning.
“We’d invited Joel in to report back, and our suspicions were aroused when he kept referring to midfielders as ‘the brass section’.”
However, he said, the phrase had been overlooked as the Board had thought it was “hip Brazilian gangsta idiom”.
He said the Board had been greatly encouraged when Santana told them that the squad had enormous talent.
“He said the guys were displaying good rhythm, excellent pace, and were finally starting to develop good harmonies.”
But he explained that the meeting “degenerated pretty quickly after that”.
“We asked him what he needed in terms of financial resources to develop talent, and he said he needed R30,000 for a new piano, and a new set of bongo drums, as Benni McCarthy had reversed his Porsche over the last set.
“That’s when we found out that he thought his job was to develop a national samba orchestra.
“We were gutted, and so was Joel.”
Hasty investigations revealed that Santana was in fact not a football coach at all, but rather lead maraca player for a Rio de Janeiro samba band called ‘Freaky Feliciano’s Fevered Fingers of Fiesta Funk’.
“As far as we can tell someone gave him the wrong employment application form at the temp agency in Brixton when he landed in South Africa,” said the spokesman.
“Under ‘State Intended Goals’ he wrote ‘Si, lots and lots of intended goals’, so that’s probably why it got sent to SAFA head office.”
Asked how Santana got through SAFA’s interview process, the spokesman conceded that “most carbon-based organisms” could get through its interviewers.
“At this time the selection criteria for a potential national coach are that the applicant must be human, have a pulse, and speak with an accent.
“The accent is probably the most important aspect, though.”
