PRETORIA. The South African government has confirmed that bulls will be slaughtered at all World Cup stadiums ahead of the 2010 football extravaganza, but has denied reports that the slaughter will be a purification ritual. Instead, it says, the mass slaughter will be a symbolic acting out of the national team’s World Cup campaign.
The sacrificial killing of bulls has dominated South African headlines in recent weeks as traditionalists take time off from their busy schedules of beer-drinking, wife-beating, virgin-testing and muti-killing to turn their attention to torturing animals for a change.
However this morning the government defended its plan to slaughter a bull at each of the country’s 2010 stadiums, saying that the public had misunderstood the ritual.
“Yes, I can see how it could seem contradictory and confusing,” said spokesman Immolation Skefu. “First we employ Murray&Roberts to build us futuristic icons using the most sophisticated design theories and space-age materials. Then we revert to the Stone Age by hacking up a bull in the penalty box.”
But, he said, the sacrifice was not a cleansing ritual but rather a dramatised depiction of Bafana Bafana’s chances at the tournament.
“We all love Bafana Bafana,” said Skefu. “We love that they keep trying when most rational people would have gone into some other line of work, like wheel-tapping or washing windows at traffic lights.
“We love their little yellow-and-green uniforms, like a cheap knock-off of the Brazilian kit made by colour-blind child slaves in Indonesia.
“But let’s face it: they’re going to be slaughtered at every stadium they walk into.”
He said the government had considered a large number of different animals before settling on bulls.
“First we thought headless chickens to represent our administrators,” he said. “Then we thought holy cows to represent our national delusion that we’re good at football because we are African.”
He said they had also considered vultures, hyenas and a variety of snakes to pay homage to Sepp Blatter and FIFA.
But, he said, they had chosen bulls to symbolise the level of debate and insight around football and the World Cup in South Africa.
“It’s all bull,” he said. “And we’re going to get slaughtered, so it was a perfect match.”
