CAPE TOWN. Pundits have hailed President Jacob Zuma’s focus on education and infrastructure in his State of the Nation address, suggesting that he can combine the two by putting children to work filling potholes. Meanwhile the army has denied that its ceremonial artillery salute almost ended tragically, saying that Bheki Cele’s “aim for the head” command had not translated into an “aim for the Head of State” scenario.
Major-General Pandemonia Malan said that President Zuma had never been in any danger, despite some gunners “briefly remembering some of former General Cele’s more incendiary suggestions” at the last minute.
“Plus we only fire blanks, to symbolise the impotence of this administration in tackling poverty,” she said.
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The Government has defended closing every road in the western half of the country before President Zuma’s address, saying that his motorcade had expected to be late given his penchant for “nipping to the loo just minutes before he is supposed to leave, and having a quiet sit-down with a Giles anthology, just to settle the nerves”.
Capetonians said they didn’t mind being forced off their streets by uniformed goon-squads, but urged Zuma to “maybe leave half an hour earlier, just like normal people, rather than bringing entire cities to a halt for one short commute”.
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Political commentators have urged Zuma to combine infrastructure development and education by making schoolchildren fill potholes.
“Lord knows they’re not doing anything else at school,” said one analyst. “I mean, give a child a shovel and you employ him for a day. But give him a shovel, ten thousand empty sacks and a mountain of gravel, and you employ him for life.”
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Zimbabwe’s Speaker of Parliament, Lovemore Moyo, said he was honoured to have been invited to attend the address, saying that Parliament in South Africa featured “more talking and fewer leg-irons” than in Zimbabwe.
Moyo, an MDC member, said that he had been especially interested in how local Speaker, Max Sisulu, refrained from applying a blow-torch to people’s toes during the speech.
“Historically, ZANU-PF Speakers only really have four jobs,” explained Moyo. “Applauding every time Robert Mugabe pauses for breath, dusting cobwebs off the empty opposition benches, welcoming Thabo Mbeki, and oiling the leg-irons of democracy activists when they creak loudly enough for Amnesty International to hear them.”
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Fashion gurus have applauded the women in government for embracing austerity at this year’s address.
“I simply adored the First Lady’s homage to ‘Gone With The Wind’,” said designer Willem Shrill. “Making her dress from the spangly curtains of the Montecassino Teatro was pure genius. And as for Helen Zille, looking resplendent in a tailored suit made of pure rage, well, brava, bella!”
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Meanwhile the Presidency has played down allegations of discord amongst President Zuma’s wives over who would accompany him to Cape Town, saying that rumours of a knife-fight and roundhouse kicks to the face were “overblown”. However, it confirmed that the “dignified exchange” had been filmed, and would be serialised for the SABC as ‘The Real Housewives of Nkandla’.
