The Presidency today confirmed that the whole of next year has been declared a public holiday to make up for all the birthdays, weddings, Bar Mitzvahs, breakups, girls’ nights out, and other special events occurring over weekends. “We also haven’t ruled out naming 2013 as a public holiday,” said a spokesman, “in case someone, somewhere has to work at some point in 2012”.
South African lawyers yesterday sought to reassure the legal team of murder-accused Shrien Dewani that if extradited to South Africa, Dewani would face an entirely “free and fair” trial. “’Free’ as in we won’t charge the public for tickets, and ‘fair’ as in we’ll be setting up bumper-carts and a tombola outside the courtroom,” explained QC Mobjustice Mbatha.
Confused and frightened Spanish footballers screamed and wept yesterday as the World Cup turned out to be a chocolate replica covered in gold foil and melted in the Madrid heat. Amid the pandemonium, the mother of Fernando Torres, Excruciata Inquisitoria, 57, vowed to shave off her moustache to offer as a sacrifice for the return of the genuine trophy.
Soccer City in Soweto witnessed the finest display of lip-synching ever seen in Africa last night as the World Cup drew to a close with a PowerPoint presentation. Meanwhile organisers have conceded that they had spent most of the budget on paying Lebo M not to be involved in the ceremony.
The SABC has defended its decision to cut to a long Coca Cola advertisement during Nelson Mandela’s lap of honour at the World Cup closing ceremony, saying that Mandela is a potential enemy of the state given his role as Thabo Mbeki’s mentor. “You say Madiba, we say undesirable rogue element,” said a spokesman.
The SABC says the end of the World Cup “kind of snuck up” on it and that it “hasn’t really thought about” what it will show once the tournament ends. However, this morning a spokesman said an intern had been sent to the basement to find 4,000 episodes of Liewe Heksie which would air until 2015.
The psychic octopus which last night continued an unbroken run of correct World Cup predictions is to be headhunted for the position of Chief Political Aide to Julius Malema, ANC Youth League sources confirmed. Following Germany’s loss to Spain in the semi-finals – a result predicted by the octopus – Malema is reported to have ordered, “Get me that magic sea-monster.”
