IFP leader Mangosuthu Buthelezi’s call for South African’s to embrace a common dream has met with a muted response, with many confused countrymen asking if ‘sharing a dream’ was a fancy way of asking them to sleep with him or if it was just an excuse to explain how he spent his time in parliament.
As the ANC celebrated its 100th birthday on Sunday, close relatives say that the party’s dementia is getting worse, and that it is now entirely incontinent and constantly pissing on the poor. Meanwhile baboons have reacted angrily to Julius Malema’s allegations, while Helen Zille also wants to be escorted by a gaggle of chubby guerillas. Read our full Mangaung wrap-up here…
As parliament prepares to vote on the controversial Protection of State Information bill on Tuesday, the ANC has said it is official government policy that nothing should be available for free. “So insert a state approved punch line here,” said a spokesman. “And don’t try anything funny.”
The ANC Youth League says it will appeal Julius Malema’s five-year suspension on the basis of a procedural lapse that saw the sacked president tried as an adult rather than as a juvenile offender. “Like, duh!” yelled spokesman Joovee Marawa. “You’d think ‘Youth League’ would be a clue, but no! This is so unfair! We wish we’d never been born! You’re such a bitch!”
Serial adventurer and passport-stamp collector Riaan Manser has welcomed the increasing polarity within the ANC, saying the current divisions within the ruling party have given a new hope to explorers who had started to believe that there were no more unchartered frontiers left to explore.
The ANC says it will mark Mandela Day by interrupting its busy schedule of ignoring the poor to run the country for 67 minutes, but warned against “altruistic tendencies” that distract cadres from tenders. Meanwhile the DA has rededicated itself to renaming another Cape Town street in another 67 years, perhaps changing Adolph Hitler Lane to Some Of My Best Friends Are Black Boulevard.
White South Africans say that if land grabs are inevitable, they would prefer the ANC to seize Fish Hoek, Port Elizabeth, and Fourways. Meanwhile the government has admitted that it might also have to grab farmers to work the land it grabs. “New research shows you need to actually grow stuff on land,” conceded a spokesman. “Apparently you can’t eat dust.”
