The ANC Youth League has moved swiftly to deny reports that their troubled leader Julius Malema has resorted to selling his own brand of clothing. Sources within the league said that while Malema was selling a range of trendy jeans and trainers, he was doing so at Edgars where he had taken a casual job to earn some extra cash over the festive season.
Just a day after announcing that he was “finished” in politics and would become a cattle farmer, Julius Malema has changed his mind, saying that cows were far more independent and difficult to control than Youth League members. “Cows are tjatjarag,” said Malema. “Also, they are very difficult to milk, unlike taxpayers. At least taxpayers don’t stand on your foot and poo on your head.”
The ANC Youth League says it will appeal Julius Malema’s five-year suspension on the basis of a procedural lapse that saw the sacked president tried as an adult rather than as a juvenile offender. “Like, duh!” yelled spokesman Joovee Marawa. “You’d think ‘Youth League’ would be a clue, but no! This is so unfair! We wish we’d never been born! You’re such a bitch!”
Children’s hero and family entertainer Julius Malema looks set to have his political career terminated before the end of the week after the BBC announced they had commissioned a new season of Teletubbies for 2012. “We won’t be doing it without Tinky Winky,” said a spokesperson for the broadcaster, Clumsy Segway.
Julius Malema says he is determined to keep marching for economic freedom, even though he claimed his revolutionary buttocks and thighs had been attacked by “bloody agent counterrevolutionary lactic acid” during Thursday’s leg of the march. He dedicated Friday’s march, which he will complete in a car, to securing a “pain-free ass in our lifetime”.
President Jacob Zuma says the country should do more to get into the spirit of Women’s Day. According to his spokesman Viagra Tshabalala, Zuma will be using the slogan, ‘Celebrate a woman – get another one free’ to promote Tuesday’s public holiday.
Julius Malema’s statement on the weekend that “you can’t arrest my ideas” has been upheld by legal experts, who agree that Malema’s ideas cannot be arrested as they are “juvenile bordering on prepubescent” and therefor should be taken to foster homes by child welfare services rather than into police custody.
