PRETORIA. The South African government has confirmed that bulls will be slaughtered at all World Cup stadiums ahead of the 2010 football extravaganza, but has denied reports that the slaughter will be a purification ritual. Instead, it says, the mass slaughter will be a symbolic acting out of the national team’s World Cup campaign. The [...]
PRETORIA. Racists and pessimists across South Africa say they will now have to consider emigrating, after the national football team gave a heroic showing in the Confederations Cup and the tournament went off smoothly. “A good soccer team, slick administration: I just don’t recognize this country any more,” sobbed one unnamed source. Complaining while shrugging [...]
JOHANNESBURG. According to South African officials, the national football team is as powerful as the United States military “because they couldn’t beat Iraq either”. Meanwhile the team says it was confused by the Young Communists League’s call for it to play with “militancy and radicalism”, as the laws of football do not allow for the [...]
POLOKWANE. South Africa’s national football coach, Joel Santana, has apologized to the country after the team’s 0-2 defeat to Chile last night, admitting that he accidentally spent last week teaching the team the lyrics and dance moves to The Macarena instead of tactics. Players said they had not noticed but had been “unnerved” by his [...]
JOHANNESBURG. The South African Football Association has apologized to the public after it discovered this morning that national coach Joel Santana was in fact not a football coach but rather a maraca player in a samba band who had filled in the wrong job application form. SAFA said it was “mortified”, but added that no [...]
ACCRA. As the 26th African Cup of Nations tournament gets under way in Ghana, a fired-up South African football team has committed itself to new progress goals, upping its targets from 2007’s ‘Abject’ to a more aggressive ‘Pitiful’ in 2008. However, the South African Football Association were quick to add that the national team would [...]
