South Africa has invited Asian rhino-poaching syndicates to hunt the country’s 9,000 super-rich tax dodgers instead. According to zoologists, the tax cheats – who rob the country of R48-billion a year – have souls that are made of a hard, knotted hair-like substance that is almost identical to rhino horn, and which contains a secret pheromone known as ‘money’ that acts as a powerful aphrodisiac.
China announced yesterday that the decision had been taken after COP17 to use South Africa as a vast dumping-ground of toxic material in order to ensure that China met environmental targets back home. “Thank you for this wonderful opportunity,” the SA foreign ministry was quoted as saying. “We accept this honour with pride.”
China’s spiraling population growth rate was brought into check on Tuesday when an 18 million Rand shipment of rhinoceros horn was seized in Hong Kong, briefly rendering the entire nation impotent.
The South African government has acted swiftly to defuse outrage over its failure to provide the Dalai Lama with a visa to attend Archbishop Desmond Tutu’s 80th birthday party this weekend, offering Tutu a choice of llamas, alpacas, and a Tibetan yak. However it later emerged that the yak was in fact a St Bernard called Clive with cardboard horns glued to its head.
Zimbabwean President Robert Mugabe is coming under pressure to reveal details of his health as he spends increasing amounts of time in China. The veteran dictator returned from another trip to the east this weekend with sources quick to deny that he was suffering from prostate cancer. Asked to clarify the purpose of the trip a spokesman revealed that Mugabe had travelled to Beijing in order to ‘have his batteries changed’.
The Ministry of International Relations insisted last night that there had been a “big fat misunderstanding” over the question of whether the Dalai Lama would be granted permission to visit South Africa. “Of course, he can come tomorrow,” said a spokesperson. “As long as he flies here on the wings of his mind, since he’s supposed to be so spiritual and everything.”
Chinese officials have admitted that China’s 1.4 billion people are the result of “rampant, uncontrolled piracy”, with hundreds of millions of new Chinese manufactured every year in bedrooms across the country. According to a spokesman, the pirated Chinese were “very convincing facsimiles” of the originals, but ultimately would flood the market with too many Chinese.
