The national metal-workers strike seems set to continue after union leaders discovered today that their demand of a 13% increase was far less than they thought. “We assumed the percent sign was capitalist shorthand for nine zeroes,” explained a spokesman. “We want a 13-billion % raise.” He also confirmed that NUM had arrived at the number 13 by counting all the fingers on both hands of their leader.
Staff at the Mail&Guardian say that they have a “flippin’ epic” long weekend lined up after confiscating a R40,000 bribe in a sting operation implicating Cosatu leader Zwelinzima Vavi’s wife Noluthando. Asked what his reporters’ next move would be, editor Nic Dawes said that it would be to the bar. “We pretty much plan to dop till we drop,” he confirmed.
PRETORIA. Pundits have praised Cosatu’s militant action over a racist song in which Nelson Mandela was called a “k*****”. Asked if Cosatu would now march on record labels over rap albums in which women are constantly called obscene names, a spokesman explained that racism was worse than misogyny because it hurt men rather than women. [...]
JOHANNESBURG. Cosatu secretary general, Zwelinzima Vavi, was reportedly the inspiration for the minor seismic activity experienced in Gauteng on Saturday night, with geologists suggesting the tremors were caused as former Prime Minister HF Verwoerd turned in his grave. Verwoerd was reportedly moved by Vavi’s statement that life under the current ANC government was similar to [...]
PRETORIA. The Presidency says it is reassured that trade union federation Cosatu was referring to terms in office and not prison terms when it vowed that President Jacob Zuma “would serve two terms”. Meanwhile a pro-Democratic Alliance trade union for quilters has threatened to make the country ungovernable if Helen Zille is not given two [...]
PRETORIA. Trade union federation Cosatu has promised that today’s strike will “bring South Africa to a complete standstill”, but experts say a complete standstill is business as usual in most of the country’s provinces, where city managers are struggling to deal with staff seeking 1.3 million years of compassionate leave for the funerals of 2.6 [...]
JOHANNESBURG. Cosatu has defended its own “kill for Zuma” statement, saying that it was part of a strategy to make housing more affordable. “Each time we say ‘kill for Zuma’, another 10,000 middle-class people emigrate,” said spokesman Trotsky Matabane. “If we say it five or six times, that’s 50,000 nice suburban houses that are suddenly [...]
