The South African Police Force announced last night that the three Portuguese and Spanish journalists who were the victims of an armed robbery on Wednesday morning have been removed to a secret location to undergo emergency gees transfusions. “When we found them, their gees levels were critically low,” a spokesperson explained. “But then we pumped them so full of gees, now when they burp it sounds exactly like a vuvuzela blast.”
JOHANNESBURG. Crime-weary South Africans are set to demand that cereal giant Kellogg’s make their traditional breakfast favourite, Rice Krispies, less explosive.
JOHANNESBURG. As Minister of Correctional Services Nosiviwe Noluthando Mapisa-Nqakula announces plans to review the terms and conditions of medical parole, South African crime lords are recruiting frantically at hospices and hospitals around the country. Speaking to the press from a money laundry in Alberton, crime boss Pasteurize Singana lamented the poor quality of criminals currently [...]
CAPE TOWN. As the world’s attention focuses on Cape Town for Friday’s 2010 World Cup draw, locals are asking why it takes a soccer tournament before police are mobilised en masse, with angry residents saying they expect to be protected from crime all the time, not just when Sepp and Becks are in town. The [...]
PRETORIA. President Jacob Zuma expressed sadness on Tuesday over the death of a suspected housebreaker, Luyanda Malebo, who was tortured to death by police using 15th century museum pieces, after they had reportedly misunderstood a government call to get medieval on criminal asses. The 21 year old was arrested outside his home in Mkhaza, Cape [...]
JOHANNESBURG. Criminals have reacted with indifference to suggestions from President Jacob Zuma that police should shoot first and ask questions later, saying it won’t make any difference to them because they will be long gone by the time the cops arrive. Burglar, Frodo Ndlovu, said that during his eight years of breaking and entering, during [...]
PRETORIA. South Africa’s new elite crime-fighting unit, to be known as the Stoolpigeons, says criminals will have nowhere to hide, unless they are politicians in which case they will be able to hide in their offices. “We are declaring war on crime, again,” said a spokesman. “But this time we really mean it. Except if [...]
