After the Christian Democratic Party described the DA Students’ Organization poster of two people embracing as a “wave-of-swill”, confused South Africans have asked the party to clarify two issues: whether or not they know how to use hyphens, and where they think babies come from if not from wave-of-swill activities.
A new porn channel with its own dedicated satellite has promised content specifically tailored to South African tastes, including passive-aggressive post-coital cuddling for DA voters and FAK sing-alongs for conservative Afrikaans consumers. The satellite, SPUNKNIK2, was a replacement for SPUNKNIK1, which was destroyed when the rocket carrying it had a premature ignition and exploded on the launchpad.
The South African government has slammed Helen Zille after she blamed the continued Aids pandemic on the alleged promiscuity of black men, but says it is “less worried about the racist undertones than the outrageous suggestion that it’s not OK for any of our brothers, black or white, to pomp anything with a pulse”. “Who the hell does this hysterical dyke think she is?” asked a spokesman.
As Jacob Zuma prepares to destroy political rivals Kgalema Motlanthe and Tokyo Sexwale by publishing the damning Oil-For-Food report in which they are named, the Democratic Alliance has adopted Zuma’s tactics, with Athol Trollip outing Lindiwe Mazibuko as an “inveterate non-recycler” and “comfort eater”, while Mazibuko has hit back, publishing candid photographs of Trollip’s auditions for the Wella ‘Comb-Over B Gone’ campaign’.
DA parliamentary leader Athol Trollip is set to go head-to-head with party spokesperson Lindiwe Mazibuko in the battle to become the official opposition’s new leader in parliament in a showdown that is being described by political analysts as the DA-Idols vote: because it won’t be so much about what the candidate is singing as it will be about their ability to be white.
The Freedom Front Plus has turned the corner on Desmond Tutu’s proposal that whites be taxed for benefiting from apartheid, saying they are happy to pay this as long as it comes with a bundle of apartheid-related privileges. “Not, like, separate toilets or anything hectic,” said spokesperson Sturmdrang de Blanke. “But it would be nice if blacks could be encouraged to stop making direct eye contact.”
President Jacob Zuma says the country should do more to get into the spirit of Women’s Day. According to his spokesman Viagra Tshabalala, Zuma will be using the slogan, ‘Celebrate a woman – get another one free’ to promote Tuesday’s public holiday.
