Hayibo

CAPE TOWN. The Democratic Alliance has confirmed that DA leader Helen Zille has been injected with Botox so that her paralyzed face can properly reflect the state of her paralyzed party. It also condemned a rumour being circulated by opponents that Zille had had buttocks grafted to her face, saying that Botox and buttocks were [...]

JOHANNESBURG. The newly relaunched Democratic Alliance, desperate to shake off its image as a party for whites, says its new logo is a reflection of how much it has transformed. The logo was revealed on the weekend and features a snow-white sun streaming rays of white light down on a stylized South African landscape that [...]

CAPE TOWN. Opposition politician and Cape Town mayor Helen Zille has been named the world’s top mayor by an organization that names top mayors. Her prize of seven maidens and seven youths, whom she may eat or free at her discretion, has been dispatched from Athens in a black-sailed ship. Meanwhile second-placed mayor Major Mayer [...]

CAPE TOWN. The Democratic Alliance says it is determined to shake off its image as a mainly white party, and has decided to adopt a colour grading system pioneered by African-Americans that allows incredibly fair-skinned people to call themselves black. According to the new system the entire leadership of the opposition party is now black, [...]

PRETORIA. The ANC is in turmoil again after allegations surfaced last night that Jacob Zuma, Youth League president Julius Malema and Cosatu chairman Zwelinzima Vavi are closet Democratic Alliance supporters. “No-one, not even Helen Zille in her wildest dreams, has done more than these three to weaken the ANC and besmirch the legacy of Sisulu [...]

JOHANNESBURG. Responding to statements by ANC Youth League president Julius Malema that the League was willing to kill for Jacob Zuma, the Democratic Alliance’s Youth League has sent an equally chilling warning to foes of DA leader Helen Zille, saying that its members are “willing to phone ADT to walk Ms Zille from her car [...]

PRETORIA. After last weekend’s claim by Jacob Zuma that the ANC is exclusively endorsed by God, party theologians have confirmed that opposition leader Helen Zille is “probably the Antichrist”. Speaking to media at Luthuli House, a spokesman said that as leader of the opposition, Zille was “fomenting a direct assault on God by Satan’s minions”. [...]