Hayibo

As experts debate the prospects of the major parties in Wednesday’s elections, one thing remains certain: the hopes and psychedelic dreams of the Dagga Party are set to go up in smoke.

The Inkatha Freedom Party, seeking to dispel confusion about the appearance of IFP posters in the DA-stronghold of Cape Town, confirmed that they were intended to advertise a forthcoming blockbuster movie starring Mangosuthu Buthelezi rather than to win votes for the party. “’Votela’ will be a feel-good action comedy,” said a spokesperson. “Think ‘Shaft’ meets ‘Cool Runnings’.”

The DA has moved quickly to correct misconceptions amongst their traditional suburban support base who were allegedly under the impression that the mysterious black lady standing alongside Helen Zille and Patricia de Lille on the party’s election posters is Zille’s maid. A spokesperson for the party confirmed that the ‘mystery lady’ was in fact the most senior of the party’s 12 black members.

LONDON. As the UK goes to the polls in a critical general election today, South African expats used to voting along purely racial lines have admitted to being deeply confused about how to cast their vote. “All of them are white, bru,” said gap-year student Nicholas Bishops-Michaelhouse. “So how must I know which one to pick?”

PRETORIA. As the first results of South Africa’s general election start coming in, the residents of Orania are in shock after it emerged that three people in the town voted for the ANC. Meanwhile staff on Robben Island are celebrating a Democratic Alliance win there, as they hope they will now be provided with a [...]

Voting has got underway in South Africa’s fourth democratic election, while the Independent Electoral Commission and the police say they are on high alert to make sure that Nandos products do not come within twenty meters of any polling station. Meanwhile in other breaking news: * ANC Youth League President and honorary Viceroy of the [...]

JOHANNESBURG. ANC spokeswoman Jesse Duarte has blamed “the forces of darkness” for fake ANC election posters featuring slogans such as “Justice is the name of my next wife” and “Vote Zuma, a better life for me”. However, motorists have failed to notice the hoax, saying that they thought the ANC’s “Together we can do more” [...]