Hayibo

Financiers and academics around the world have hailed a “gamechanging” development “likely to change the face of capitalism forever”. South Africa’s electricity parastatal yesterday unveiled the ‘Eskom Economics’ which have seen its profits double by the simple means of hugely hiking its tariffs. “Why didn’t we think of this?” said MTN spokesperson Antenna Ndlovu, one of hundreds of business leaders to express jealousy and regret. “From now on, R50 of cellphone credit will retail for R100.”

As the world marks the 25th anniversary of the Chernobyl nuclear disaster, officials at Cape Town’s Koeberg nuclear plant say there is no need for concern and that they are prepared for the coming winter. According to a spokesman, they are stocking up on new fuel rods, consisting primarily of large paraffin soaked wicks and industrial strength garlic polonies.

To mark South Africa’s 17th consecutive year of freedom, police commissioner Bheki Cele has announced that from now on protestors will have the right not to die while participating in demonstrations. “Obviously you might still get a jackboot in the face, but we’re not going to go out of our way to kill you any more,” Cele said today. “You’re welcome, Mzantsi.”

PRETORIA. South African power company Eskom says it is willing to lower its proposed tariff hike from 34 percent to 33 percent, but says in return for the compromise it wants the country’s first-born children. Meanwhile it has admitted that budget cuts have forced it to use “new but slightly less effective” generating technologies, such [...]

PRETORIA. Power utility Eskom has denied that it shelved plans to build new nuclear power stations because senior management feared the reactors would “turn staff into mutant were-lizards”, instead citing rising costs. It has also announced plans to slash costs by producing no electricity in 2009, which is slightly more than it produced in 2007. [...]

PRETORIA. After months of inactivity and minimal load-shedding, rogue utility company Eskom has come out of hiding to deliver its latest demands. According to a government spokesman, Eskom called in using a disposable SIM card, demanding R5 billion in unmarked R50 notes and threatening to black out the country again if it saw any police [...]

JOHANNESBURG. Power utility Eskom says it is delighted with its latest euphemism, released to the media last week. According to the press release, “unplanned power cuts could occur at very short notice”, which Eskom says is a state-of-the-art way of describing the total failure of the power grid, for no reason, with nobody held accountable. [...]