As FIFA President Sepp Blatter prepared to run unopposed for a fourth consecutive term, Zimbabwean president Robert Mugabe admitted yesterday that he had finally been beaten at his own game. “This guy makes me look like a hippie giving out flowers at an organic cider festival,” he sighed, before confirming that he would be offering his throne – made of the skulls of pro-democracy activists – to Blatter.
FIFA has once again refused to discuss goal-line technology, describing cameras and video replays as the work of the devil. “You say camera, we say soul-capturing device,” said a spokesman this morning, explaining that any technology not based on cuckoo-clocks or fermenting Swiss cheese was “diabolical”.
FIFA chief Sepp Blatter has admitted that his balls are misshapen, which makes scoring extremely difficult. “It’s embarrassing, especially when your misshapen balls are being viewed by a global audience,” said Blatter. He added that FIFA had handled the balls of dozens of manufacturers before the tournament, and all had felt absolutely normal.
Bafana Bafana coach Carlos Alberto Parreira says he will take many wonderful things away with him when he leaves South Africa, specifically a dozen suitcases stuffed with cash. Speaking to reporters as he supervised the fuelling of his getaway jet, Parreira said he was leaving “a much richer person”. “It sure beats working for a living,” he said.
The South African government has come out strongly in defence of the controversial vuvuzela, describing it as an ancient African tradition despite it being invented in Mexico in the 1973. “The vuvuzela is as proudly African as R Kelly, BMWs, Breitling watches and thousands of other inventions from the Motherland,” said an outraged spokesman this morning.
The creators of Friday’s World Cup opening ceremony have angrily denied accusations that they plagiarised the entire show from a Standard Grade Remedial Folk-dancing project at a Limpopo reformatory. However, this morning they conceded that having a giant dung-beetle roll a football – thereby implying that football is crap – “might have sent the wrong message”.
‘Fingers’ Blatter, the shadowy head of an international money-making syndicate known as ‘Feefa’, says he is pleased with the final preparations ahead of the start of his latest caper, codenamed Operation Rob The Gullible Darkies Blind While Convincing Them This Was Their Idea, also known as the World Cup. “Eeeexcellent,” murmured Blatter stroking his pet iguana.
