Hayibo

Tuesday’s stoning at the hands of COSATU has reportedly prompted the DA to reconsider the methods it uses to attract black voters. According to a party spokesperson DA thinkers made the breakthrough when they realized that black people didn’t only identify with toyi-toying and singing. “They also like BMW’s, Breitlings and cognac,” he said.

As South Africans continue to adjust to new levels of ridiculousness in political and social life, researchers have revealed that the country is in fact a giant ‘Truman Show’-type television experiment, scripted by increasingly desperate B-grade writers. “We were watching the news one night and someone said, ‘Who’s writing this shit?’,” said one researcher. “And that’s when we realized we were onto something.”

As Gauteng residents celebrate the court decision to prevent e-tolling from going ahead, Capetonians have been left wondering what all the fuss is about, saying that anything which got the DA and Cosatu to work together should be regarded as a wonderful miracle.

The ANC has welcomed Helen Zille’s apology for her “refugees” remark, saying that now that it has successfully distracted attention away from the original issue, it will demand that Zille apologise for “pretty much everything, ever”. Meanwhile civic groups have begged Zille to apologise for continuing to wear frocks that make her look “a cross between Dame Edna Everage and a ripe Pinot Noir grape”.

Inspired by Premier Helen Zille’s completion of the Argus Cycle Tour, the DA has announced that poor people in the Western Cape are to be strapped to exercise bikes to generate electricity through cycling. “We solve obesity and the question of green power all at once,” said Despot Dupree, supervising the first session. “Yebo!”

Just days after Pieter Mulder said that black South Africans had no historic claim to much of the country’s land, a delegation has arrived from 1703, demanding that Mulder return with them to his own time. According to the group’s spokesburgher, Mulder had commandeered a prototype time capsule and fled to the present to escape being burned as a witch because of his “diabolical haircut”.

Pundits have hailed President Jacob Zuma’s focus on education and infrastructure in his State of the Nation address, suggesting that he can combine the two by putting children to work filling potholes. Meanwhile the army has denied that its ceremonial artillery salute almost ended tragically, saying that Bheki Cele’s “aim for the head” command had not translated into an “aim for the Head of State” scenario.